You Need Help!
I was just thinking about all the times my husband has pointed out my rape as being the underlying cause to our marriage problems. Last time it happened (December 08 I think), he printed out a list of “rape symptoms” from the Internet and yelled, “HERE! THIS IS YOU!” *
The reason I bring this up is because in our last conversation (3 days ago), he talked about how we could fix ourselves and our marriage on our own. About how we didn’t need a bunch of book-smart idiots telling us how to fix ourselves. That’s his opinion and I respect it as such, but it leads me to more questions.
IF we’re supposed to fix ourselves, then how can “we” do that when “my” opinions are ignored, disregarded as having “come from a book”, or laughable? How are we supposed to “fix” ourselves when his answer to our problem is for me to fix myself from a rape that happened 24 years ago? When I have to stop looking for problems? When any information I find in a book is irrelevant?
In the same breath, he both tells me we can “fix” ourselves but we’re not allowed to use any outside knowledge to do it. Evidently we can’t fix ourselves by doing the same old thing we’ve been doing, so don’t we have to look outside of ourselves for solutions?
This is crazy-making at work.
————————————–
*I had been talking to him about verbal abuse and had presented a similar list from one of Patricia Evan’s books to him in hope that “recognizing himself” in the list would lead to change. It made him angry.
Possibly Related Posts:
- Kim Cooper’s List – Possible Responses to Verbal Abuse
- Mispoken
- How Did I Get Here?
- Rules
- Turning Inward
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:54 PM
blog_update You Need Help!: I was just thinking about all the times my husband has pointed out my rap.. http://tinyurl.com/q4qzek
June 4th, 2009 at 7:30 PM
“I was just thinking about all the times my husband has pointed out my rape as being the underlying cause to our marriage problems. Last time it happened (December 08 I think), he printed out a list of “rape symptoms” from the Internet and yelled, “HERE! THIS IS YOU!” ”
Your vignette is a painful example of re-traumatization in marriage. Rather than double his efforts to treat his wife kindly, to respect her considerable emotional injuries, to render her home life the safe haven she so unequivocally, as a victim of violence, needs [and deserves], when a husband attacks his wife’s vulnerabilities, he re-traumatizes his wife. Period.