Selfish
I am not willing to blame what I don’t like about myself on any abusive relationships I have tolerated during my lifetime. My marriage has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive; although that fact is saddening, it is not a “reason” to continue cultivating the bad habits and faults I’ve developed in response to it. It is not okay to stay the way was the day I realized my relationship was abusive. In fact, most of the conflict following that day has been due to my effort to change.
First, I wanted to change my husband. Then, I wanted to change our relationship. Now, I only want to change myself.
I want to change…
- How I take care of myself, physically, mentally, & emotionally (I like the spiritual path I’m on!)
- How I view my “place” in the world, my nation, my community, my family, and my marriage
- My thoughts concerning “what is possible” for me and my family
- My marriage by changing myself into the person I want to be
- My fitness level, my body, and my “look”
- My preconceived ideas about what I “should” be doing and work on what I can do – what I think is best, even when it takes energy I’m not sure I have
In short, there are many many many things I hope to change. And I’m scared.
Yes, I’m scared of change itself, but what I’m really afraid of is that my idea of what my future will look like is not possible. What if some of the people I love don’t want to be with me in the end? What if my “perfect future” doesn’t include everyone that I love? What if I have to let them go in order to be happy? What if I change so much that they don’t love me anymore?
The word “selfish” keeps running around in my mind. I think I’ve been called selfish so often that it’s hard to know when I’m being selfish and when I’m being true to myself.
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May 27th, 2009 at 8:11 AM
You are NOT selfish! You are taking care of yourself – something I have wanted for you for years.
You are NOT selfish!
You are NOT selfish!
You are NOT selfish!
You are NOT selfish!
May 28th, 2009 at 12:53 PM
I guess that I’ll have to realize that “selfish” isn’t a negative term in all cases. Sometimes, being selfish is the same as doing the right thing. Kind of like the saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy,” but in a not so funny kind of way.
Being selfish and looking out for my own best interest is the same thing right now. I don’t think I’m in any danger of becoming a “selfish, evil person” any time soon!
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:50 PM
In your post are embedded many gems of wise, ordered thinking. What appears to be causing your anguish is your husband’s chronic, clear opposition to your clarity of thought, leading you, quite naturally, to perennially question yourself.
This, of course, is a core strategy of THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND, whether he employs it consciously or unconsciously. For His Truth is: he is threatened by you — by your strength, by your gifts, by your ability to truly love. In our weakened state, it is difficult to realize that indeed we are strong; and that it is this strength he seeks to erode.
Most C-MHs suffer narcissistic wounds that, left untreated, forever fester, causing his spouse no end of torment. Any effort on your part to treat yourself well, he [erroneously] regards as a slight to his needs. So of course he’ll denounce you as selfish! In his mind, you are caring for your self at his expense.
When you have quiet, private time, brew a cup of soothing tea. Take out a piece of fresh paper and a pencil, and sketch, in words or in line-drawings, the girl / adolescent / young woman you were, in all her strength and beauty, in all her enthusiasm and energy, before you married. What about her did you admire?
Now, two things:
Understand that your husband clearly sees these qualities, and feeling threatened, attempts to crush them. Then, when you recover from his cruelties enough to ‘rise up’, resuming your natural inclinations, again, he has to crush you.
It’s automatic, it’s instantaneous, it’s, in his warped mind, necessary for his ‘self-preservation’.
Second, reconnect with your original qualities and gifts. Meditate on them. Keep them private, shielded as best you can from his scrutiny. Nurture them.
And know that when the time is right, by cherishing and nurturing your self, you will have the strength you need to do what you must.
MarthaTrowbridgeRadio.org/blog will be soon posting an audio interview with psychotherapist and expert on narcissism Steve Becker. It’s a fabulous show! Hope you can tune in.
With Warm Regards,
Martha Trowbridge