The Outcome
I almost forgot to tell you about the outcome of Sunday’s little adventure. After Marc and I sat down and talked, one thing became very clear. He is confused over this “new” Mama who says what she means and does what she says she will do. I guess it’s taken a crisis of this nature for me to realize that I’ve never set a “Mom” boundary.
I talk to my kids a LOT. We talk about everything. Marc talks to me about sex, drugs, alcohol, the economy and politics (to name a few things). We always share our ideas; when there are differences, we respect the differences. But finding out that Marc was experimenting with pills and pot turned our relationship on its head. Marc doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I can “respect” his opinion while “denying” him the opportunity to act on it. To him, if he thinks it, it should be so.
Granted, a lot of this rebellion has to do with his age. Fifteen is a tough time, and rebellion is expected.
During our conversation regarding the “it’s just a beer!” incident, I became aware that being 15 in addition to having a “new” mom who is setting boundaries for herself leaves a lot of room for confusion.
So, and these were both my very intelligent son’s ideas, we agreed on two code words.
- When I am exerting my responsibility as “mom” and I expect him to DO and then ask why if needed, I’ll say “This is MOM.” (I’ll also try to work on one of those cool “looks” most parents have!) If he is confused or frustrated with my reluctance to hear him out, he’ll ask, “Is this MOM?” If so, then he’ll DO then ASK why.
- If, God forbid, we ever get to the point of non-communication that we reached Sunday afternoon, one of us will say, “Let’s stop it!” We’ll take a break and come back to the discussion calmer and ready to work out the problem. An important aspect of “Let’s Stop It!” is my younger son’s participation. My younger son (who has not been a part of the loudness in the past weeks and months but has suffered stress and stomach aches because of it) can also call a stop to our “conversation. “
My father-in-law opened my eyes to another possible action for my youngest son. Eddie can simply go to Grandaddy’s place in the “back forty” and escape the confrontation entirely. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! Hopefully, the “This is Mom” thing will halt a lot of crap before it goes too far, but having a backup plan is a wonderful thing.
I am trusting that my teenager genuinely wants to respect my role as mother. He said he did, and the fact that he’s the one who came up with the code word idea says a lot. Now we will have to wait and see if the agreement we made on Sunday works. I hope it does, and I think it will.
We all agreed that our ultimate goal is to not “need” the code words at all. We hope that by using the code words as tools, they will help to reshape our behavior. I really don’t want to be 75 years old and still having to say, “THIS IS MOM!” 
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