Rocky Road
On Friday, I was shocked to hear my son say, “You lie to me all the time!” When I asked him how I lied, he didn’t have a response…until Sunday night after our ugly incident. Then he sat in his room and wrote it down in black and white.
At first, I felt indignant. And then, I noticed that everything he accused me of doing I had accused my husband of doing. Fortunately I didn’t say anything until after the indignant feeling passed.
Then we started going through his list one point at a time.
“You say you want to help me with my depression, yet you discourage me to express my emotions.”
- He believes that I should always consider his emotional state regardless of what is going on at the time.
- I believe that I should always be sensitive to his emotional state, but there are times where it doesn’t matter how he feels about taking out the trash or doing his homework. I honestly believe that I am very sensitive to his needs. I’ve even gone so far as to CONSIDER allowing him to use pot to self-medicate for depression. The kid almost had me convinced. (He’s that good!) Fact of the matter is that I cannot control how he feels about anything and changing my expectations of him because he’s not feeling up to par doesn’t do him any good, but it sure does leave a shit load of trash in the kitchen and “god i hope he passes civics!” panic in my heart.
“You say I try to control the conversations we have, but you use the phrase to stop me from talking. You do it to Dad as well.”
- When we got to this point, he wanted to disregard it as irrelevant, so we did.
- I, however, see his reluctance to elaborate on it as a sign that he didn’t really mean it, but threw it in the list in hopes of making me worry about being a controlling bitch.
“You use what I tell you against me, or to benefit yourself. Then you deny doing so.”
- I think it’s pretty clear what he meant by this.
- I reminded him that yes, this situation did happen last week, and when he pointed it out to me, I did at first deny it. But then, I asked him to remember that as soon as I denied it, I had a change of heart. I told him, “I can understand how you would feel that way. I’ll do my very best never to do it again.” I meant it and I haven’t repeated that mistake.
“You tell me you want me to leave, then you trap me here.”
- Self-explanatory if you read the entry.
- I feel that he took what I said and twisted it into the statement above. He probably did it out of emotion, but whatever the reason, I had made it clear that if he wasn’t going to follow the house rules, then he could stay with his grandfather or in the tent I put outside for him until he found a better plan (i.e. decide to follow house rules!)
“You say you want us to have two way conversations, then you don’t provide me a chance to speak.”
- He’s referring to what JUST happened when he was trying to convince me that “it was just a beer!”
- I reminded him that we have hundreds of two way conversations. I already KNOW he feels entitled to a beer and to use pot to ease his depression. I know his opinion. However, the rules are no drinking and no drugs. There’s no need for further discussion.
“You say you love and care for me, yet you neglect to provide me a way I can live contently.”
- I asked if he meant that I neglect to allow him to use alcohol and drugs, and he said no, that he’s not content because he feels as if I take his opinions for granted.
“You say you listen to my opinions and take them into consideration, then you completely deny how I think and feel.”
- He said this one is similar to the last one.
- I said that I do listen to his opinions and consider them (the pot thing is only one example). I just do not always agree with them. I said that he’s entitled to his own opinion, but I am entitled to set the rules and guidelines while he lives at home; disagreeing is not the same as disregarding or denying.
So, in short, there is obviously some “confusion” about what a parent does in and for a relationship with the child. It is my fault in not setting clear “I am MOM” boundaries early on. It is his place to know that I recognize my mistake and that I am now trying to fix it. He doesn’t have to agree, but, if he wants to live here in this home with people who love him entirely, then he does have to respect house rules.
It would be nice if my son would also respect my desire to improve my self as a mother and as a person by setting clear boundaries and rules for what I will and will not tolerate…but seeing that he is 15 going on 21, I don’t see that happening. I don’t have to pull out my tarot cards to know that this road is going to get rockier.
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