My Verbally Abusive Marriage

This is kind of a continuation of the previous post. I’m trying to understand why a mother would advise her daughter “If you ever hit a man, expect to be hit back.”

Just for kicks, let me TRY to take a man’s point of view for a minute. And I warn you, I am NOT a man, so I’m likely to get this wrong. But just for pretend…

As a man, I am physically bigger and stronger than a woman. I am capable of taking what I want from her. She’s naturally intimidated by my size and strength. Since it’s natural to take the easiest path from point A to point B, it is easiest to bully and intimidate her into doing what I want. As a man, I also have more testosterone – the hormone that helps me ignite my temper and muscles, sex drive and ability to react to threats.

So I”m bigger and well equipped to take whatever it is I want. I can “take” respect – or at least that’s what my body tells me because that’s how I’m built. Women and children in general, and men who are smaller than me, SHOULD naturally respect me and give me what I want. I’m entitled.

Okay. I’ve just described a cave man. Isn’t that grand? However, the “proper training” starts early and naturally.

Even though I (a man) COULD grow into the biological cave man I described above, I probably won’t do so completely because, fortunately, we all start out as small children. Everyone is bigger than us. Our mothers are bigger than us, and our mothers spend the most time with us. We grow to respect our mothers’ ability to discipline and teach, mold and (hopefully) love us into caring human beings. As a man, I am taught to reign in my “natural” reactions and use them to protect myself and the people who have protected me as a child. Through extension, I learn to protect the ones I love who are smaller than me – my own wife and children.

As a child and teenager, I learned non-violent techniques of rebellion. I learned that sometimes I had to go against my mom because I wanted something different, and I learned that I had to do this non-violently and with respect. In time, my mother came to trust my decisions that I made for myself, and she “allowed” me grow into the kind of man I want to be. Fortunately, with this upbringing, the man I want to be is one who respects and loves my family and other people, but I am not afraid to use my god-given biological abilities of strength and intimidation to protect myself and family.

Uh oh. What if the last couple paragraphs are completely untrue? What if a man grows up watching his father abuse his mother physically, mentally, and/or emotionally? What if the man’s mother used her size to intimidate and bully her children?

What if there is never an explanation for WHY mom was hitting you, and you’re left to assume that she hit you because she was mad. After all, anger shows easily on a face, you’re being hit or verbally punched around by an angry person, so you figure that it is okay to bully when you’re mad. It seems natural because it’s what you’ve been taught to do through example.

So, as a man in this second scenario, I’m playing on a double-edged sword.

On one side of the sword, I know that in public (in society) there are limits to how I can use what I’ve been taught. I have to “pretend” to respect everyone. I have to open doors, carry heavy things, and use my biological strengths only when absolutely needed. I know that I could drop the facade and no one could do anything about it.

Well, not at that instant anyway. Maybe later I could go to jail for rape or assault or threatening behavior, but that’s only if I get caught. Therefore, it’s a good idea to “pretend” to respect everyone all of the time because when I do decide to do something ugly to someone, the people I’ve respected will not believe that I am capable of it. It’s far less likely that I’ll get caught if I “pretend” that I’ve conformed to society’s standards even though I’ve truly conformed to what I was taught as a child.

I’m entitled to do whatever I need to do to get what I want. Society is stupid for putting these rules on me, but I’ll play the game. And when I do something wrong, I can use society’s blindness to my advantage. Everyone does it, right? We’re all just pretending, aren’t we?

Because at home, the pretending stops. I can be whoever I want to be, and my wife and children know that. I can be easy-going because I feel like it. I can be a raging lunatic because I feel like it. I can demand to get what I want, and if that doesn’t work, then I can use my size and strength to intimidate, bully, or force them into giving it to me. If I am angry, I can hit or bully whoever is around me at home. Everyone does it. This is how I was raised and since I feel pretty damn good about it, then there is no other way to go about it.

My wife needs to learn that her family was wrong. Her upbringing was flawed. I’ll be damned if my boys turn into the sissies she wants them to be. They have to learn to play the game. They’ve got to learn to be men. They have to take what they want even if it means pretending they want something else. And if they can’t get what they want in society, they need to learn that they damn well CAN get it at home. These people are here for me, because of me, and only because I want them here.

I could put them out at any minute!…But wait. If I put them out, then who would I unleash on? Who could I be myself with?

I guess I’d better reign myself in at home when it looks like they may leave. I guess I have to be nice to them sometimes so they will stay. But the “pretending” is only supposed to happen OUT THERE. I shouldn’t have to pretend with these people – they’re my family, and they have to accept me for who I am! How dare they not accept me! Holy hell, I’m going to rage and storm and scare them into staying! How dare they expect me to be someone I am not IN MY OWN HOME!

And that is how it goes. An abusive man is always on edge. He cannot “be himself” for any length of time, any where, with any one. In my opinion, that would really truly suck.

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