Thinking About It
The idea to make a website documenting the verbal abuse and my reactions/thoughts relating to it came to me around the time I realized it was happening – about October or November of last year (2008). I never hid the fact that I was making a website about verbal abuse from my husband.
In fact, he passed behind me often, glancing over my shoulder and making “tsking” sounds when he saw verbalabusejournals.com in FrontPage. If he was upset and found me working on the site, he’s say, “What a load of bullshit,” or something to that effect as he walked behind me. In addition, he would use my computer (rarely, but it happened more than once) when I had the website open.
My point is that I never hid the fact that I was making this site. I never hid it from him. I told him after I made it “live” that the website was now officially online. I didn’t make this site in secret, I didn’t try to hide the fact that I was creating the site, and I told him when it was online and ready to go.
So why was he so surprised and upset when he ran across it yesterday? How could he have been so blind to what I was doing? But then it dawned on me.
In Patricia Evan’s book, Controlling People, she addresses a weird phenomenon. In an abuser’s mind, his victim doesn’t exist unless he is with her. She doesn’t do or think or say anything when he’s not around. She has no mind of her own. She has no thoughts that he didn’t implant. And when there is evidence in his face that she does in fact do, think and say things independently of him, he is truly surprised. He feels betrayed, angry, and violated. (Here’s a good summary: Getting Verbal Abuse out of my Life: Teddy Check).
In essence, whenever I show a “sign of separateness” from my husband, he comes down hard on me. He tries to squash “me” back into the mold he has made for me in his own mind. To do that, to squash me, he uses a variety of techniques designed to intimidate the real me into submission.
This time he used a threat (“good luck”, implying that I’ll need it for what he’s got in store for me).
Possibly Related Posts:
- Does He Check Your Internet Use?
- Goodbye and Good Luck
- Anonymity Compromised
- DD Form 2893 (Safety Plan)
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