I Just Don’t Trust Him
My husband has deployed and usually when he’s gone, we hear from him once a week. Even then the conversations are short because of various reasons including money, time sharing with the others, etc. But this time it’s different, and I don’t exactly know how to handle it.
When he left, we were going through the nice phase, but I could tell it was for manipulation purposes. Things between us had gotten so bad in October-December that he just HAD to be nice in order to ensure I’d be here when he got back.
This deployment is much different from the others in which he truly was “away.” This time, he’s using skype to keep tabs on me. I mean, keep in touch with me.
Maybe I’m being too cynical. Maybe he really does want to improve our communication; maybe he really does want to fix “our” problem. Maybe I really should just “get over” my trust issues and let him back into my heart and mind.
But if that is true, why did our first phone call about getting a new ferret turn verbally violent? And why did a second conversation result in three hours of rehashing the same old stuff, trying to convince me that he was right and I am wrong?
The only decent conversations we’ve had revolve around the trouble he could be in due to that police report I filed in December. During those conversations, he is very careful to say that “the incident” was all his fault and he knows he has an anger problem.
Could it be that those conversations just HAD to go right so I wouldn’t do something stupid like TELL THE TRUTH to the investigators? Interesting.
How do I figure out if he’s playing his usual games or not? I feel that he is, but I don’t want to “ruin” any good thing by not trusting him.
This is a twisted world I live in. Until I wrote this post, I thought I had it figured out. I had thought it was all part of his game, but now I’m not sure.
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March 28th, 2009 at 10:14 PM
Hi Kellie,
You don’t want to mess up a good thing??? I can not believe what happened to you in December, I wish you would of contacted me since I could of been of some support since I know exactly what your going through. As every book you and I have read, Verbal always turns to violence; now you have experienced it, why are you questioning if it is STILL YOU?? Even though you know from educating yourself that it is HIM, not you.
I can not tell you what to do, because you have to make that decision for yourself. But in doing so, think of the kids, it doesn’t matter if you tell them that it is not acceptable the way Dad treats you, your actions are what will make the difference in their lives. It’s a mixed signal, but you did stay and they might think its okay to treat a woman like this, or if you have a daughter, by staying you are telling her this is okay to be treated this way by a man, don’t do as I do, but do as I say! It won’t work.
I had mentioned in my last email that I spoke to Patricia Evans and she told me to have my husband read her latest book “Controlling People”.
I have read the book and what I have learned I am passing down to you:
I hope this doesn’t have max character on it, I’m going to test it..to be continued
March 28th, 2009 at 10:26 PM
Okay GOOD!
Our husbands think backwards (outside in) where and where most of us humans speak naturally which is inside to out. So the bottom line on this situation and all you minute conversations that have turned into arguments with no resolution…there will never be one!! They can’t understand the way we think until they get help and learn how to naturally think; it explains childhood situtations that can lead to this behavior.
My therapist had said when he says theses of the wall things, come back calmly with “what are you trying to saY” what does that have to do with what were talking about”, or just plain WHAT??? I know most of my husbands communication is so confusing, but his intimidation gets me to stop talking and showing him I’m right and he is wrong, because I know it won’t get me anywhere. So she had said take control of the conversation, by asking him what he means by that statement and it will be in his hands to explain and of course run by his sick mind, and come up with a answer that makes since, or I’ll say it again, what did that have to do with what were talking about? Bottomline, just keep the control of the conversation until he can come up with a explanation that actually is rational!
Patricia says in her book, to just say “What?” and if he continues to make no since or is irrational continue to say “What?” because if we continue to respond at all (being defensive) we are validating their behavior and letting them keep the control.
I’ll write more later, my daughter just stopped by!
Cami