My Verbally Abusive Marriage

“Be a lover of gateways, approach them softly. For once you pass through, there will be changes and much that you will gladly lay aside.”

My mom sent this to me earlier this week. It’s written in my own handwriting and I didn’t author it, but that’s unimportant. What is important is that I got it this week, a day before my husband decided he’d had enough of me. I think it’s a message from me, for me, from a time past.

When I looked the quote up online, I found it relating to the rune called Thurisaz. Mainly, this rune is “…of reactive and defensive/directed force - a catalyst for change through resistance.” This statement hits home for me because it goes along with something my therapist said back in October. He told me that I was a catalyst for change.

At the time, I thought he’d been reading too many Obama bumper stickers, but I did hope that what I was doing – defending myself against attack – would change my marriage. Would change my life. Would change my husband’s behavior. As the quote above mentions, I hoped I would be the “catalyst for change through resistance.”

Well, things are changing, but not how I’d hoped.

In time, I’ll be okay with that. Right now, it hurts. Maybe it hurts because it’s supposed to hurt, it was meant to hurt. He meant to hurt me. “Goodbye and good luck.” I think he meant to threaten me, too. The “good luck” part was not lovingly said, you know. [On a high note, this may be the first time he's ever wished me good luck in anything. But I digress...] The good luck part was definitely a threat. I can only wonder what he thinks he can do and where the attack will come from.

I’m thinking money in part, but he told me that the night I left with the kids that the only reason he didn’t cancel the credit and debit cards was because I had the boys with me. So no, it probably won’t relate to our immediate finances. It’s only a matter of time until I find out, I’m sure.

The last line of the page I’m referencing about the rune Thurisaz says, “It is wise to never start a fight, but if one has started, be sure to finish it.” I guess I’m going to have to finish what I started.

I will finish this fight doing what I believe to be right and good. I will continue to resist his attacks; I will continue to know in my heart and mind that what he is doing to me and the boys is wrong. I won’t back down. He doesn’t know me, he only imagines me. Therefore, he doesn’t know who he’s threatening, and that works to my advantage.

Here’s the page about Thurisaz if you’re interested.

This is the second phone call we had this morning. Earlier I had hung up on him because he started in with the “You’ve got it so fuckin-easy” bit.

Him: “So you’re willing to throw all my hard work out the window by putting this shit online for everyone and their mother to see?!”

Me: “What are you talking about? I’ve put a lot of shit ‘out there.’

Him: “I did an image search on your name and I came across your stupid articles on verbal abuse.”

Me: “Really?!” [I couldn't help but be a little happy about that.]

Him: “I don’t think it’s anything to be excited about.”

Me: “Well, what did you find? My website, the blog, what?”

Him: “So you really think that this isn’t going to ruin me?”

Me: “I talked to the people at the counseling center on post. Verbal abuse isn’t going to get you kicked out of the military.”

Him: “Oh, and you believed them?!”

Me: “That’s my choice.”

Him: “I guess it’s okay with you that you’re going to end up out on the street.”

Me: “That’s not going to happen.”

Him: “How do you know?”

Me: “Frankly, at this point I don’t care.”

Him: “Well. That’s good to know. You don’t care. I’ve just got one thing to say to you. Good bye and good luck.”

>>I also added this entry to the website

If so, then there are some free programs that you can use to erase your tracks. After all, once you’ve found a place to post your secrets or get help online, do you really want him to know what you’re saying? Or what if he surprises you when you’re online? Can you hide the window quickly?

Try these free programs:
Wise Disk Cleaner
CCleaner (I use this one – you’ll see PayPal buttons first, but just scroll down a little to download for free)
Hide My Browser Free

To manually erase your Internet cookies and history, check out How to Hide Internet Use for Abuse Victims. That page is located on a site about dating violence.

To stay up to date with programs like these and information, I use and LOVE Kim Komando’s site. She always has helpful information about tech gadgets, internet threats, free programs, etc. You can be sure anything she recommends will do what it promises, and if she says it’s free, then it is. Her site is Komando.com. Be careful, you can get lost in there for days!

My husband has deployed and usually when he’s gone, we hear from him once a week. Even then the conversations are short because of various reasons including money, time sharing with the others, etc. But this time it’s different, and I don’t exactly know how to handle it.

When he left, we were going through the nice phase, but I could tell it was for manipulation purposes. Things between us had gotten so bad in October-December that he just HAD to be nice in order to ensure I’d be here when he got back.

This deployment is much different from the others in which he truly was “away.” This time, he’s using skype to keep tabs on me. I mean, keep in touch with me.

Maybe I’m being too cynical. Maybe he really does want to improve our communication; maybe he really does want to fix “our” problem. Maybe I really should just “get over” my trust issues and let him back into my heart and mind.

But if that is true, why did our first phone call about getting a new ferret turn verbally violent? And why did a second conversation result in three hours of rehashing the same old stuff, trying to convince me that he was right and I am wrong?

The only decent conversations we’ve had revolve around the trouble he could be in due to that police report I filed in December. During those conversations, he is very careful to say that “the incident” was all his fault and he knows he has an anger problem.

Could it be that those conversations just HAD to go right so I wouldn’t do something stupid like TELL THE TRUTH to the investigators? Interesting.

How do I figure out if he’s playing his usual games or not? I feel that he is, but I don’t want to “ruin” any good thing by not trusting him.

This is a twisted world I live in. Until I wrote this post, I thought I had it figured out. I had thought it was all part of his game, but now I’m not sure.

If you “initiate” physical violence, it is not in your best interests to file a police report UNLESS your verbal abuser hits you, chokes you, or does worse to you in response to your act of violence.

Here are the notes I used during this video:

Update: my husband is deployed and has been gone for about a month. About three weeks before he left, he started being really sweet and pleasant to be around. I think he changed his attitude after he pushed me over the couch and held me there so he could yell at me. It was scary, and I took the kids and left for a night right after.

I slapped his face before that happened. We were fighting and he called me the c-word for the second time in as many weeks. When I asked him, “What did you call me?” He said, “I called you what you are.” And that’s when I slapped him.

I felt bad immediately for doing it, and he said, “DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN HURT ME?” I turned away to remove myself from the area. I obviously needed a time out; I shouldn’t have slapped him. When I reached the living room, I felt him grab my shoulder and spin me around to face him, while at the same time pushing me backwards. I fell over the end table onto the couch. He held me down firmly by my throat and chest. The ferocity in his face and the ugliness of his words signalled to me to stay put, don’t move, don’t struggle. Take it.

I was shocked. Nothing like that had happened in years, and it had never been so violently unexpected.

I also filed a police report because I thought that’s what I should do.Â

However, after talking to my dept. soc. services counselor, she told me to only make reports when I do not contribute to the physical violence. I shouldn’t have slapped him, and I was violent first. I shouldn’t have reported it.

Let me remind you that if your abuser acts violently first, then you are well within your rights to defend yourself. Never fail to file a report if HE acts first. But protect yourself – let HIM file any report if you strike him first, and let the story reveal itself in time.

Slapping him was a first for me. It didn’t feel good or right when I did it, and I do not feel justified for doing it. When I told him I was sorry for slapping him the next day, he said, “Yeah. That was stupid.” I don’t know how to take that comment.Â

He never said he was sorry for what he’d done in response. He only said that he was raised better than that and shouldn’t have done it.”

So, to the one of you who asked if I was all right, the answer is yes, I am. I am fine, and I am working my way through this entire abusive situation by trusting myself and my instincts, and learning all I can along the way. Thank you for asking.

His anger comes from nowhere. At least that what it seems like to me.

Maybe he thinks the outburst is justified, but now I think his motive is to get me back under his thumb.

Quivering, trying to end the tirade by whatever means possible. Embarassed. Confused. Questioning.

BANG – it’s happened. And it’s up to me to calm the beast.

Good morning!

FYI, there are two new journal entries on verbalabusejournals.com. They relate to an episode of physical violence that I chose to “forget” and an angel message of comfort. I hope you enjoy them and find them useful additions to the site.

I Wouldn’t Sleep

Bad Mood & an Angel Message

Making verbalabusejournals.com is a healing process for me. Writing the pages, updating my entries (both past and present), sharing resources that have helped me, etc., serves to remind me that even now I struggle in the web of abuse. I sometimes feel like a butterfly re-cocooned in spidery fibers waiting to be the main course.

But at the same time, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s a possiblity that the Army will force my husband into counseling, and that is the light I see for HIM. Maybe as he (un?)willingly follows that light, the light at the end of MY TUNNEL will shine brighter.

I have to remember that MY LIGHT is separate from HIS LIGHT. It is still my hope that we come out of this together, but I no longer hope that we both follow the same light. Creating the website is showing me that it is important that we each go our own way, even if those paths seperate. I have to be me, and I have to end up where Spirit wants me, not where my husband wants me.

Right now, we’re in the middle of a military investigation concerning domestic violence. It couldn’t have come at a worse time, but is the result of the report I made back in December 2008. Why did it take so long for the report to make it to the Army? I may have an answer for that, but until this investigation is over (probably around the middle of April), I cannot update you on the happenings.

I will share pieces of it with you because I’m getting a lot of important information so far as how the Army deals with domestic violence. But the personal stuff will have to hold until we’re out of the hot seat.

It’s nice to have such a short post for a change. Maybe I write too much?

Hang in there – I am!