My Verbally Abusive Marriage

The dream hurt. I was at Will’s house and my son’s room was beautifully decorated and he had all the “things” I ever wanted to give him. Professionally painted wallsand trim, decorator-type bedspread and pillows, matching bedset, plush carpet – it was an oasis of his personality, soft inviting comfortable. And Will provided it for him, not me.

I stood there with a notebook in my hand, ready to write the emotions, willing to write the story, but lost for the words required to express the sense of utter failure I felt deep within my gut.

I pulled a book off his shelf, overladen with reading material, and opened it. On every page was a map showing where “Iodine” lived. I knew it should say “Iroquois”, but it didn’t. It said Iodine. In the margins were pictures of military vehicles, land and air, labeled neatly with a blurb about each one in tiny print. I felt like my tears should be wetting the pages, but the tears didn’t come until I woke.

Helplessness. Defeat. Failure. Doubt. Fear.

Fortunately, I was able to share the dream and as I listened to myself talk, I realized that “things” and “appearances” lie.

I know that one of my greatest faults is in thinking that I can buy my boys something to make up for the pain I think they feel. I was able to do it all the time when I was married to Will. Most of the time I was married, I didn’t know what pain I was trying to make up for by purchasing the latest game console or pair of shoes.

Now, in hindsight, I realize I tried to make up for the deficit I perceived in myself. Yes, I knew my boys were in pain, but they maybe didn’t know it. They knew one thing all their lives…the way things were…they were young and didn’t consider that other people may live differently. They didn’t know they were being deprived.

I subconsciously knew it before the word “abuse” entered my mind, but I consciously came to terms with it after discovering the truth. I knew their lives were lacking a mother who could give her all to them. I felt deprived of love and acceptance and projected those feelings onto them. I thought that I couldn’t fully love them because the one man in the world who I wanted to love me could not. There was something wrong with me, and if purchasing them the latest toy could delay them finding out that I was a fraud, then that was a game I was willing to play.

Now I cannot play anymore…I must be real. I must be myself because I have no green paper-bill bandaid to fill any void. I am literally stripped of my coping mechanism, laid bare for better or worse to those boys. I am what I am, and I fear that who I am isn’t enough.

In the dream, faced with the room Will decorated and the toys he bought for them, I came face to face with the realization that it is time to put up or shut up. No longer can I compare what I do as a mother to what he does as a father. No longer can I make up for any perceived deficits in either Will’s or my character by changing who I am or what I do to mend their possibly aching heart. I cannot be the malleable wood-filler that magically fills the gaps in my boys’ broken hearts.

My perception of what may go on behind their dad’s closed doors haunts me. I truly hope he is the father he projects himself to be to the outside world, and the outside world now includes me. I see him nagging about homework and chores, keeping tabs on the boys’ friends, taking them to doctor appointments, and sharing horseplay and jokes with them. I see him being the father I knew he could be, and I hope I am right because I really want that for Marc and Eddie. But I fear that my perception is limited.

I fear that they are now experiencing what I experienced with their father, and honestly, I am torn about it. On the one hand, I don’t want them to go through the painful voyage of realization I experienced. I want to coccoon them, protect them from finding out the truth I discovered. I pray that I am truly the only person in the world whom Will desires to be “just like him”, that I am the only person in the world expected to live on a pedastal and to be punished when I fall off of it.

On the other hand, I want them to see the games Will plays and the subconscious lies I feel Will tells himself. I feel that if the boys could see the manipulation and control, then they could learn to detach themselves from it. Never in a million years would I want them to NOT LOVE their father, and I know they COULD NEVER stop loving him. I don’t want them to hate him or to not want to be with him. But I want them to be able to protect themselves.

I want them to be able to say to themselves and believe in their heart that there is nothing “wrong” with them, despite the tornado tearing through their heart and mind most likely created by Will’s inability to allow individualism on any count. In hindsight, when I wasn’t mirroring Will, then I was wrong. And I have a strong suspicion that the boys are experiencing that same tornado without the inadequate storm shelter I tried to provide.

I want them to love both Will and me without limitation. I want them to be able to see each of us for all of our goodness and all of our flaws, and then choose what they want to carry with them into their own lives. I don’t want them to make subconscious choices, I want them to make conscious choices.

And yet I have no control over their choices. My hands and words are tied. I cannot tell them what I know, I cannot share with them the strategies they can use to protect themselves, I cannot say or do anything to help them without sounding like I hate their father or want them to hate Will. Or at least, I haven’t figured out how to do that yet.

I’ll search my dream for an answer. But I already think I know it. I must continue to detach from Will. I must continue to accept the love and protection of the angels (living and ethereal) in my life. I must continue to shed my fears, to discover who I am, and to love my boys unconditionally even when it hurts so deep inside that I think I will literally explode into pieces.

I must rip off the bandaids, even when the sticky parts pull my flesh from bone.

Linda recently wrote to tell us about her abusive marriage. Although it appears her husband is changing, she suffers from PTSD and cannot trust that what happened before truly will not happen again. She remains in the marriage, prays for guidance, and trusts that God will guide her steps.

Read Linda’s testimonial.

There must be something in the air. My mood is so serious, like a rain-filled cloud threatening to rain on my parade.

Although I feel in my gut that I’m moving in the right direction, I’m getting stronger, finding out who I am and what I like (and don’t), … there’s something heavily sad about this weekend.

Will and I have talked several times, amicably enough, in the past weeks. But Saturday, I found myself embroiled in a disagreement with Will, told to quit popping off at the mouth and scolded about my soap opera drama. I didn’t see it that way. Said to stop telling me what I was doing and what my intentions were. He got madder. We hung up the phone. It didn’t last long.

Somewhere in there, in response to him telling me he didn’t trust me and that he thought I was up to no good and being dishonest, I said, “You’ve always thought that of me.” He replied that no, he hadn’t always thought it, that its a recent thing. He got angry that I had said it, told me that he was sorry he’d tried to talk to me. I thought to myself that he wasn’t talking to me, but at me.

When we hung up, I tried to shrug it off as if his words didn’t bother me. They did. But I think what is really bothering me now is what I said: “You’ve always thought that of me.” Shrinks will tell you to not use words like “always” in conversations because they’re accusing words. But I used one, he felt defensive, and the rest is history.

Now, writing this, I’m torn between two paths I could write about. The first one is that it would be nice if he had only said, “I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘always’” to which I could have corrected myself. Or at least apologized for inflammatory language.

But (and here’s the second path), I think I was right. I don’t think I said it to be accusing or to pop off or to start some drama. I think I said it because it was what I was thinking, and the more I think about it, I think I was right.

Although I do wish I hadn’t used the word because I want to learn better ways of expressing myself that don’t ignite someone’s defenses, there are several reasons why I think “always” was the right word to describe what I felt:

• In the beginning, I was called “whore” often. He didn’t trust me to be faithful to him.
• When I did tell him about the kiss one of his friends dished out, he told me that I was mistaken, that his friends would never betray him. Sometimes he would come home and “investigate” the house. He’d look for something out of place, or maybe something to give away what I was doing with my time when he was at work. Sometimes he’d get lucky and feel like he hit the jackpot, caught me in some imagined lie and confront me. This wasn’t usually about “other men” it was about how I spent my time. There were times when no explanation would satisfy him. He didn’t trust me to tell him the truth.
• Although eventually all the finances fell to me to handle, he constantly insinuated of my mishandling them and became angry over what I’d spent without bothering to find out what our expenses actually were. He didn’t trust me with “his” money.
• When our children would act out and misbehave, or behave in a way he considered wrong for “men”, he claimed that it was my influence causing their dysfunction. If I’d only spanked them more, if I weren’t so soft on them, if only I’d act more like him when he was away on deployment, they’d know better. He didn’t trust me with his children.

Integrity, sex, money, children… what else was there to our marriage? I feel that there was nothing at all I could have done to gain his trust in any of those areas. Everyone has weaknesses, everyone makes mistakes, and I am no saint. But for crying out loud, how could I really have fought this issue? If he doesn’t have trust inside of him, then how could I earn his trust? I wonder if he had any to give (to me, at least).

When I would bring these things up to him, he would answer with, “I married you, didn’t I?” or “I must trust you, I have to leave you with the boys when I deploy,” or “You’re the one who handles the money, aren’t you? You could really screw me if you wanted to!” All true statements, but never truly honest.

Sigh.

But there is a silver lining to the storm cloud. It happened today. Will told me that he thinks our relationship should be “only business.” He wants to pull away from me. He said that he can tell I’m moving on, but he’s still stuck in the anger and hurt. He wants to detach, and he set clear boundaries. I listened to him without saying much at all.

A big piece of me is so freaking proud of him! A big piece of me wanted to tell him that he was on the right track, that detaching from me was the right thing to do in order to find peace and health and happiness.

And a small piece of me is sad. The little wife inside of me wanted to hug him and tell him that it would all be all right. That I appreciated his vulnerability and that his decision is a wise one. And I cried (after he left) because he is detaching from me.

You see, when I started this blog, I thought Will and I would be married forever. I thought we’d have our ups and downs and solve the downs and be happy. I thought when he saw what effect his words and actions had on me that he would change them because he loved me. I thought we would heal together, never to be torn apart.

But now he and I are healing on our own. We won’t be together when we’re happy next. We won’t be married forever having overcome the trials of our own humanity. We’ll never sit on the porch together, rocking, gray hair blowing in the breeze.

I must detach from that dream, and saying goodbye to it hurts more than any dream I’ve ever held and released before.

Todd communicated with me today, and I am so happy to hear from him. I posted his testimonial earlier today, and now is as good a time as any to let you know how he’s doing.

From Todd:

Hi Kellie,

I hope you are in a safe peaceful place in your life. My wife and I are still separated and it’s been 90 + days and I am making progress with my abuse but still have some ways to go to build up her faith & trust. There are times that I take a step backwards but seems to put things in a clearer perspective for me to learn from because I have the will to improve me. I sure love my wife and kids, but I need to be patient, kind, honest and understanding in all my affairs! Please feel free to upload this and display it if you would like on the blog. Take care!

“…patient, kind, honest and understanding” sure sounds like a winning combination. Todd, I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

Whew! Allison submitted a testimonial from the other side of the abuse. She left 7 years ago, and has been busy! Book published, paper under consideration by the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment and Trauma, scholarship granted…

But perhaps most inspiring is Allison left her abuser when she was 56 years old. Her life is not over, there are many many blessed years left for her to continue LIVING and accomplishing whatever she sets her mind to do. Never let the number of years you’ve suffered determine the number of years you will accept it.

Diana is, I think, the youngest person to contact me in hope of breaking the silent pattern of abuse. She’s 18, and her abuser is 23.

Although I hesitate to use the word “fortunately”, I find myself thinking it because at the time of her writing, she was not with her abuser due to his physically violent rampage. He went for her throat, pushed her into a window.

Read Diana’s Abuse Testimonial.

Ali’s testimonial gets right to the root of the problem for abuse victims. It’s beautifully written, like sad, dark poetry.

She wrote me in February, and I am greatly sorry that I didn’t post her testimonial sooner.

Read Ali’s Testimonial - you won’t be disappointed, although it will make you think, wonder, and maybe recognize yourself and the abuse you’ve suffered.

Todd’s testimonial has a twist: his story comes from the point of view of the abuser. I’ve communicated with Todd outside of this testimonial and he seems very sincere and ready to change. He mentions “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You” by Patricia Evans as the book that helped after his wife moved out with his two children.

You can read his testimonial at Todd’s Abuse Testimonial. I am so excited to have a testimonial like Todd’s on the site! I wish him love and luck in regaining his family through truthful actions and words.

My sister, Erin, supports me consistantly and constantly. She loves me regardless of my decisions, actions, and quirks. She knows my dark side and thinks it’s valuable. I couldn’t love her more, yet every day, I do love her more.

Before I recognized the abuse in my life, she was largely quiet about it for fear of her words pushing me away from her. She knew, instinctively, that Will (probably subconsciously) wanted everyone who loved me far, far away – or at least that’s how it appeared. Still, she would cry with me when I hurt in large part because there were things she wanted to say but held them inside. Or at least, this is the way I think it played out.

One time, after realizing the abuse for myself,  I asked her why she didn’t just TELL me I was being abused, and she said, “Would you have believed me if I had?” Of course, the answer was “No.” I’ll never ask that question again of her or anyone else who loves me. It’s not up to them to tell us what is going on, is it? It’s something we have to realize inside of ourselves.

Erin is a very wise woman. She’s decided to put her skills to work helping other people who need fresh ideas and perspectives so they can move away from the things, people and ideas that hurt them. She wants us all to live in our own light, within our own power augmented by Spirit (God, Goddess, Angels, The Powers that Be…).

Here is an email she sent me on facebook two days ago. She said I could share it, and Iwant to because you need to know that there are people in the world like her. People who support you, who love you, who are just itching to help you. You may not see them until you take off the blinders abuse is causing you to wear.

Here is her email:

“I think you are overlooking something you don’t want to look at again… yet.

“You are a survivor. You pushed your way through a horrid time in your life when you was married, and then again pushed your way through the time of uncertainty after you left.

“Other women need to know this can be done. They need to know that after they leave their abusive marriages, they will come out better on the other end.

“I think you are just not ready for it yet. You are not ready to re-visit the pain of it; or to be faced with the women who are still enduring it because you NEED to keep pushing through this segment in your life for right now.

“So, don’t question what you should be doing to earn an income. You are loving your life where you are right now; and I think that is exactly where you need to be. The time will reveal itself to you when it is time to step back into the world that brought you to where you are now…

“The only difference is that you will already be on the other side. Completely.

“Keep doing what you are doing. You haven’t been this happy, or this authentic in a long time. Own it. Live it.

“You will know when the time is right.

“I love you, and I am so proud of you Kellie!!!”

The good news is that even if you don’t know a soul like Erin right now, you can contact her now at her website, Dear Erin. The link takes you to her “What Dear Erin Does” page. I encourage you to contact her because her first two clients are free if you agree to give her a testimonial in return.

Carolyn wrote an abuse testimonial a couple of months ago. I hadn’t posted it yet because I didn’t really want to think about my own abuse. That wasn’t fair, and I’m sorry Carolyn, that you waited so long.

As you read through it, think about the years Carolyn has lived with this verbal, emotional and mental abuse. The time it takes you to read the testimonial is nothing compared to the years she’s spent living the abuse. I got a knot in my stomach realizing that many of the abuses she reports were happening in real time even though she was listing past abuse.

Carolyn’s Abuse Testimonial