My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Have you been given bad advice by a member of the clergy? Did you feel blamed for the abuse in your relationship instead of helped? Have you been told to carry the water and serve the one who abused you?

If so, then you know that some clergy must be better educated about the dynamics of abuse.

Doug and Cindy Burrell’s ministry is about to take a giant, positive leap forward. They are speaking at a church about the harm done to abuse victims by clergy attempting to follow “God’s Word” but overlooking key scriptures in support of ending abuse.

Your experience will benefit their ministry and change someone’s life for the better.

If you would like to be a part of the story and positively impact the ways in which the church counsels domestic abuse victims, please contact them via the form at Cindy Burrell’s website, Hurt By Love.

Your anonymity will be protected.

This month, so far, I’ve received three stories from brave women. Two of them speak to financial abuse also, and Sarah has a blog.

These are their stories:

Rose Felt Worthless, Stuck, and Crazy

Laura Felt Devastated, Frustrated, and Shocked

Sarah Felt Betrayed, Sorrow, Brokenhearted (Sarah’s Blog: Sarah Found Her Voice)

Not too tired to care
The pain in my chest comes and goes
The pain in my heart is always there
But I’m just too tired to cry

The days turn into weeks
The weeks turn into months
The months turn into years
And still, I’m too tired to cry

Exhausted from the fear
Worry that never sleeps
Haunting memories
I’m too tired to cry

Sorrow, like a knife
It reaches deep within me
Death, whispers my name
I weep

~Anonymous

Anonymous suffered domestic abuse up until she left her abuser a few years ago, yet she wrote this poem only days ago.

The effects of domestic abuse embed themselves into our hearts and can carry far into our futures.

Please pray for current and previous abuse victims that their unseen wounds heal and they find the power to detach from abuse and the memories of it.

Une Vie, a new blog, stands on the threshold of liberating its writer and many others who care to follow her story of abuse. The writer contacted me to let me know she identified the issues in her marriage as abusive and is ready to do something about it. I’m so excited for her!

Running From Abuse is another new blog in which our heroine fights for her independence from an abusive relationship. Her story inspires courage against the odds and is well-worth reading.

Please read and comment and share the links to their blogs on your networks.

On January 22, 2012, it will be two years since I left my marriage. I’ve come so far since then; I did the right thing for my children and myself.

I’m having some “issues” today that I was going to discuss in this entry. But before I did that, I went back and took a look at the two entries that changed the meaning of this blog forever.

Today, I am fortunate to write “My Verbally Abusive Marriage…and what I’m doing in it” from a different perspective. The marriage was abusive, but it no longer exists. What I write now concerns how I’m moving past it and the abuse, and I am joyful that I am no longer “in it”.

On January 22, 2010, I left my home two times. The first time was the (what had become) the usual, run of the mill event: I left because I was scared, planning to return home after his temper had cooled or he had passed out. I took a blanket and my purse.  I left again only minutes after typing the last “Smack” in My Heart is Failing.

When I returned home, all hell broke loose. I ended up calling the police, but I had no showing bruises, so the cops would not remove him from the home (worthless!). I left because I truly feared what would happen after they pulled out of the driveway and left me alone with Will. Continue reading

Unfortunately, the stories of abuse keep pouring in. Whereas I like to see them because I know these courageous women’s stories will help someone else, I don’t like them because they’re happening, right now. What would our world be like if there was no abuse? We’ll have to wait awhile to find out.

In the meantime, please read and share these stories. See if you see yourself or someone you know because recognizing or identifying abuse is the first step to ending it.

Here are the stories of abuse and the words the abuse sufferers use to describe their experience:

• Susan – Fear, Sadness, Disgust
• Angela – Pain, Dazed, SHOCK
• Jan – Anger, Sadness, Unfairness
• Karen – Despair, Sadness, Anxiety
• Christy – Worthless, Alone, Suicidal
• Sheri – Trapped, Misunderstood, Alone
• Leah – Confusion, Anxiety, and Panic

———–

A reminder: Contact me if you would like me to mentor you in your quest to overcome abuse and/or the effects of prior abuse.

There are agencies designed to help victims of domestic violence when they’re ready to leave the abusive relationship. Those same agencies may counsel victims of domestic abuse who are not yet ready to leave, but need support and information as they try to salvage their relationships. If you have access to those groups, then please use them. They’re free to you and have their fingers on all the resources available to you in your community.

Nevertheless, some victims of domestic violence do not or cannot access those services. And still others discover that although they’re plugged into community resources, they still feel hopeless, helpless, angry and scared.

I’ve been there. In the end, it boiled down to finding my voice (and drowning out his). I learned how to do it, and I can show you how to do it too.

It won’t take long to deliver the information; in fact, you’ve probably seen it on the free literature in your community. Yet actually taking the time to work through the emotionally draining steps can seem like too much when you’re carrying the weight of your and his worlds on your shoulders. I will help you go through the process safely and as serenely as possible.

I understand your trepidation – this process doesn’t have to end with you leaving your marriage or relationship – you decide when or if you leave that important facet of your life behind. I’ll support you either way.

The fee is $60 for two hours of mentoring via phone. If you’re interested, contact me and I’ll guide you.

Contact Me

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was great, minus the turkey dinner, minus my kids. I did have my boys with me Thursday morning. We ate strawberry shortcakes and drank coffee. I got them caffeinated and sugared up for the day at their dad’s house! I just can’t figure out why that man doesn’t love me anymore.

Just kidding. I know why he doesn’t love me. He’s found my replacement. I’m thankful for that.

I’m also thankful for the sausage gravy and biscuits, the call from my sister, and, perhaps mostly, Max’s company.

Insisting on a commitment early in a relationship is a red flag marking a possible abuser. Commitments range from having sex to proclaiming love at first sight! Some commitments are implied, some are coerced, and others are demanded. Continue reading

So…last weekend there was a touching scene between my son and his father on my front porch. There was a hug and Will said ”You look good, son!” Will looked genuinely happy to see Marc, and vise-verse.

Fast forward to today when I, in my brilliance, decide to call Will. I tell him that Marc feels depressed and it is a good time to run over to my house and ask Marc if he’d like to go out and get some sunshine. The scene on the porch encouraged my suggestion.

(La dee da, Kellie hums to herself, I’m doing a good thing for my boy by communicating with my horrible – oops, I mean, Marc’s father, la dee da la dee da!) Hey – don’t knock it. It was a nice fantasy while it lasted. Continue reading