Are Abusers Typically Men?
Typically? Yes. Always? No.
From personal research, talking to my counselor, and working with an abuse counselor in the community program, the best answer to the question is that MOST abusers are men.
This is either because
- Most verbal abusers are in fact men, or
- Male and female abusers occur in the same percentages, but men are less likely to come forward to talk about verbal abuse they're experiencing.
I assume that men are less likely to share their abusive experiences. Men tend to mention verbal abuse in terms such as "hen pecked" or "nagged to death." Unfortunately, it is less acceptable for a man to seek help for abuse in our society - he's supposed to be the "king of the castle" and "wear the pants" in his family.
Admitting to abuse, admitting that a woman controls him, is in fact admitting he is not a "man" in addition to admitting that he needs "help" and has become "powerless." Wow. No wonder we don't hear about men being abused very often.
Men have been conditioned to believe by their abuser that they're NOT "manly" (or whatever words are used to diminish him) and then he is told to go to get help (when he's "supposed" to do the protecting and "be the man"). Isn't that a double whammy?
Is it any wonder men choose to silently suffer instead of getting the support they need to leave a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't relationship?
Men can abuse their male partners; women can abuse their female partners. I want to make it clear that the information presented on this site is not about bashing men. If this site bashes anyone, let it be my abuser; my experience is the only one I can relate to you.
Therefore, I don't place parenthesis around words like he and him or use some confusing type like "s/he" or "him/her". My abuser is my husband; my abuser is male. I can only speak about my own experience with my male partner.
However, if you are male, an abuser or the abused, I'm glad you're here. If you're an abuser, I need practice recognizing abuse in the "outside" world so I do not make this relationship mistake again. Ever. And if you're abused, I hope this little piece on the web helps you to recognize it and create a plan to deal with and heal from the abuse you've experienced.
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