What happened that made you decide to leave?
I was so sad…. so depressed, i felt soul-less, yet under his spell. He “loved me” that’s why he raped me at night even though i begged him not to. But he “needed” to be pleasured. He “loved me, needed me, and wanted me.” At least that’s what he’d say… He’d hit me then say he was sorry.
The words he called me! Bitch cunt, hoe, slut, no good, lazy, maid, slave. But he “loved me”.
The night I left… He came at me with such fierce anger… I knew it wouldn’t be good. He picked me up, threw me against the wall. My breath taken away, I fell… crumpled on the ground. He picked me up and threw me like a rag doll. His fist came at me so fast and another right after it… I couldn’t duck, slamming my head against the wall, pulling my hair. I felt the sting in my eye, it started to swell, a tear formed and dripped. He punched my lips, calling me a hoe and bitch.
He towered over me the devil in his eyes, he threw me on the ground, I couldn’t cry. He got on top, I felt the blood flow from my lip and under my eye, he wrapped his hands around my neck, squeezed tighter, I couldn’t breathe. I heard my son screaming, he was only 1 1/2 years old. No longer able to catch my breath…I’m sure I turned blue, weak as hell, trying to fight him off would only make him angrier.
I still heard my son screaming, but the sound was slowly fading. I was drifting away… it was getting quieter and darker… as I prayed. “God don’t let me die” in that moment, the door flew open, it was his aunt. He jumped up and ran away, she came to my side, gasping for air I reached for my son, thank God I was alive…. thinking “Oh my God, I am ALIVE!”
Gasping I held my son tight That was the moment I was done… Enough violence, I was not even 60 seconds from dying…. almost leaving my innocent son on this earth alone.
How did you feel about your abuser and/or your relationship in the days before you left?
I was angry, sad, asking how could he abuse me? I did EVERYTHING to try to make him happy. I worked full time as he sat at home doing nothing, I cleaned, cooked, gave him money, yet it was never enough. I did it all…. it was NEVER enough… but he told me he “loved me”. I believed it…
What three emotions did you most experience in the days closest to leaving Abuse? How did you deal with them?
HATE, HURT, and “LOVE”
I was angry, I hated him, I was hurt, yet he said he loved me. I couldn’t leave him because he “loved me” and said he “needed me. What would he do with out me?” I took care of him and my son, if I left, where would he go? What would he do? He “needed me”. He twisted my mind and he made me believe these things
What planning did you do before you left? Who knew you were leaving besides you?
I was thinking of leaving but didn’t have an immediate plan. I figured i’d go back to my mothers house… if that time came…
What were the one or two BEST things you did before you left?
At that moment of gasping for air, it came clear to me that I was WORTH living… God blessed me, yet AGAIN with life… It finally was clear, my SON was #1 and WE had to get out…
If there was anything you wish you had not done before you left, what was it?
I wish I hadn’t waited so long to leave….
How long ago did you leave? How do you feel today?
January 16th, 2013 will be the 7 year mark of the day I left. I still have nightmares, still afraid of him, still hate him. I still get emotional, I still relive the days like they were yesterday, I can still feel the physical pain and more deeply, the emotional and mental pain. I struggle with feeling “good, pretty, sexy, and most of all worthy enough”. I am now 3600 miles away from him, so I feel safer. But I wont feel 100% safe until i know he is no longer on this earth… or until I am 100% certain I am safe.