What happened that made you decide to leave?
I wanted to love my life. I hated how I felt in my adoptive family – they drugged me as soon as I stood up to their abuse when I was 16. I loved Permaculture’s wisdom through Nature and so I had to let go of the abuse & that family that was suppressing my Love for life – to have a chance at living. They have succumbed to their pain, & I am free.
How did you feel about your abuser and/or your relationship in the days before you left?
I was CONFUSED. I would say something positive, uplifting, hopeful, and I would be put down. I would shine, enjoying my creativity, and be hit, scratched, punched for singing. I would smile and be questioned. It was HELL, beyond imagination, because they were actors and famous and the public loved them.
They seemed rich, cool & kind on the outside, but behind closed doors: sickness reigned and abuse came in all forms. Bad examples, very bad, not capable of parenting, so they drugged me to shut me up and shut me down. I escaped when I learned about suppressive persons (SP).
What three emotions did you most experience in the days closest to leaving abuse? How did you deal with them?
Desperation: I called and spoke with friends that make me feel empowered and trust myself.
Frustration: my parents pulled the rug out from under me and a 3-month plan to work in Australia for 6 months, from California, and they did it 3 days before my trip – destroying my work and future vision for my positive Permaculture work. I got on that plane with a one-way ticket, and took a lot of organic snacks and magic began unfolding immediately in the form of support, kindness and Hope.
Sadness: I have no family. I have no one to turn to. I have been lied to all my life since they adopted me about who I am, to suit their sickness. I focused on steps to sanity, to learning who I am by my actions, not by their shameful labeling me and doubting my Spirit. I am free. I never went back to live in California, since January 20, 2005, when I got on that plane.
What planning did you do before you left? Who knew you were leaving besides you?
I got a ticket one-way to Australia from a friend who was a former flight attendant. I had 28 WWOOFing hosts to stay with in Australia, in exchange for work in their garden or home, and I told all my closest friends and co-workers who found me a job in Hawaii, on the Big Island!
What were the one or two BEST things you did before you left?
I moved every last thing I owned out of my parents’ homes, and into storage, and cut all ties to them. They stole all my money. They were offering to give me a great job, but then took it away undermining my plans and future, and telling me I was crazy. I had watched my adoptive father cook crack in coffee mugs, bring hookers into his bed when my adoptive mom was in the hospital, and they always made me out to be the crazy one. All I ever did was trust them. That was CRAZY!!! I wanted a family, so I lied to myself, for a long time. I am free.
If there was anything you wish you had not done before you left, what was it?
I wish I had not trusted them, but then again, they have given me every chance to learn from that mistake! Over and over and over again!! I kept talking with them for 3 more years, and then I realized my adopted sister was on heroin at age 24, and her twin, also adopted brother, was addicted as well to selling and using drugs, so I disengaged from the whole scene, and let my brother and sister know I loved them and I am here for them, but I can have zero contact with our adoptive parents.
How long ago did you leave? How do you feel today?
I left January 20, 2005, visited in September 2011, and regret having had any contact with them. It was too disturbing to witness how far down the scale of human decency they have come. There is so much dependency on a story that I am sick and mentally challenged, and all the while my only sickness was in trying to love them and be a healthy family. I am sad not to have a family, but I have friends, and the power of Love continues to heal and open my Heart the miracles that are always here, always available, and always pouring in. I am opening to this. Letting go after years of grief, grieving on the floor, staying close to Spiritual support like Alanon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Prayer Circles.
Is there anything else you would like to say?
Kellie, thank you for the caring, and amazing clarity I have received from your posts and blog and Facebook page. It is so beautiful to come through such devastation to find it is simple, it is not easy, but it is simple. I choose Love. I feel better. I let Love heal me. I feel better.
I stayed in sick situations because it is a human need to be connected, and oxytocin is a hormone that kept me stuck in relationship to sick people. I am grateful love is bigger than any limitation and this sickness I learned in my adoptive family. Now, I choose to wake up to what is true and let the past melt away into the glorious sunset, in Divine timing.