Ever wonder when not to file a police report? One time you may not want to file is if you physically assault your abuser first.
But if you slap or hit the abuser and then s/he attacks you and leaves marks as proof, go to the hospital and file that report! If your abuser does more physical harm to you than your “attack” did to them, document and report the assault immediately.
Don’t give in to the abuser’s childish taunts of “You hit me first!”
Better than worrying about any of this is learning to control your emotions so your abuser can’t. If you can keep yourself from doing something wrong in the first place, then there will be no need to worry about who hit who first.
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Transcript of “A Police Report May Do You No Good”
One night, during a financial discussion, he called the credit card company. While speaking to the representative, called me a cunt right in front of the kids.
When I asked him, “What did you call me?” He put down the phone and said, “I called you what you are.” And I slapped him.
I felt bad immediately for doing it, and he said, “DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN HURT ME?”
I turned away to remove myself from the area. I obviously needed a time out; I shouldn’t have slapped him. When I reached the living room, I felt him grab my shoulder and spin me around to face him, while at the same time pushing me backwards. I fell over the end table to the couch. He held me down firmly by my throat and chest. The ferocity in his face and the ugliness of his words signalled to me to stay put, don’t move, don’t struggle. Take it.
It shocked me. Nothing like that had happened in years.
The next day, I filed a police report because I thought that’s what I should do.
However, after talking to my department of social services counselor, she told me to only make reports when I do not initiate the physical violence. Yes, a slap is physically violent.
I shouldn’t have slapped him; I was violent first. I shouldn’t have reported it because he could have said I started the argument and he acted in self-defense. Also, I returned home the next day around 10AM but did not take the kids to school. My DSS counselor said that he could file a report with child protective services saying I neglected the needs of the children. She said the logic would be that if it was safe enough for us to go home, then I should have maintained the boys’ routine and sent them to school.
So, because I reported this incident, he could have pressed charges for domestic violence and at least tried to keep me from seeing our children through protective services.
Let me remind you that if your abuser acts violently, then you are well within your rights to defend yourself no matter who started the physical assault. Just remember that domestic violence is usually “he said, she said”. In my experience at least, “he said” is given more credibility by the law and courts.
Slapping him was a first for me. It didn’t feel good or right when I did it, and I do not feel justified for doing it. The next day when I told him I was sorry for slapping him, he said, “Yeah. That was stupid.” No apology at all. He only said that his mother raised better than that and he shouldn’t have done it.
Why Did I Make This Video?
I learned something from the department of social services (DSS) and wanted to share what they told me. I was really surprised how my honesty in the report could come back to haunt me.
I slapped my husband, then he pushed me over a table and held me down by my throat while yelling and screaming at me. In front of our children. I filed a police report.
The next day, I went to DSS about the abuse. DSS advised that I should NOT have filed that report because it could come back to bite me in court.
DSS said that because I struck him first, and I did not go to the hospital due to the injuries he inflicted on me, his attorney could say that I was not injured and that he acted in self-defense. OVER THE TOP self-defense, but it’s enough to put doubt in the judge’s mind.
If you go to court, you want a clear-cut case reflecting his verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Don’t muddy the waters because you lose control of your emotions like I did.
And don’t think to yourself that losing control of yourself is the same as when your abuser looks like they lose control. Read How Abusers Gain Control By Appearing to Lose It.