My Verbally Abusive Marriage Video

Transcript for My Verbally Abusive Marriage Video

Hi. I am in a verbally abusive relationship with my husband. We’ve been married 17 years. I have only recently found out what our underlying problem has been.

I used to think it was alcohol, but even when he was sober for about ten years, I still felt like something was wrong. I was not a happy camper. I thought I was crazy. I was – have been – depressed, but I could never quite put my finger on what the problem might be as far as my relationship with him.

But I magically found a book called The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? by Patricia Evans. And because I found it in a strange way, I went ahead and flipped it open and was reading through it thinking, “How does she know my husband? How did he get in this book?”

My verbally abusive marriage video makes me cry now because many things I worried about came true. I didn't want to be right. I wish I'd trusted myself moreSince, I’ve figured out that his behavior is controlling and ugly and abusive and that he uses these techniques on me. Sometimes on purpose. It makes some things he said in the past all of a sudden make sense.

I feel like I’ve had blinders taken off. Now it is hard to stay with him because every single conversation is filled with these controlling statements. I’m not allowed to have an opinion. When I do have an opinion that’s different from his, he gets very very angry. He starts blaming me for things that may or may not have to do with what’s going on in the conversation at the time.

I find that he gets so thrown off by the fact that I don’t agree with him or that I’m not going to try to change my mind when it comes to a topic. He gets so thrown off by that he becomes somebody different. He’s not rational.

He tells me I’m the one who’s irrational but he’s not rational.

The other night I told him something and he said that I told him the exact opposite and that wasn’t true. But I believe that’s what he heard because that’s what he wanted to hear. I don’t fully understand.

So if you are in a relationship where you seem to be the one who always has problems, or you seem to be the one who always is the problem, who can’t control herself, who cries all the time, who is too emotional, too sensitive, making stuff up… If you’re in a relationship where you feel that you might actually be crazy, then more than likely, you’re in a verbally abusive relationship.

Verbal abuse is subtle. It’s insidious. It’s hard to recognize unless you know exactly what you’re looking for. But I promise you, once you find out what you’re looking for, you’re going to start to make big connections between why you’ve felt the way you’ve felt for so long.

And the things that come out of this man’s mouth! My husband – when I married him I took for granted that I was supposed to trust him. I love him. I think. At least I did. That’s sad, isn’t it?

But when I figured out what was going on it was like I was living with a stranger anyway. I don’t really know him. I thought I knew him, but I don’t think I really know him. That makes me feel sad.

But, on the other hand, the way that his words and his actions have affected me over the years makes me sick.

I’ve got so much goin’ for me. And you’ve got so much goin’ for you! But when the person you love most in the world, that you think is your other half, that you’ve been told you can trust, that he will always be there for you…when that person that you’ve given your mind and body and soul to takes your mind and soul, crumples them up in a little ball, and throws it away like it doesn’t matter to him?… It’s hard to love him anymore.

You know, I shoulda had a script because then I would be able to articulate everything I wanted to say. But this is just my first video. I’ll make some more with a script.

I guess the point of this is that if you are at all wondering what may be wrong in your relationship when everything seems like it should be perfect, and everyone outside of your home thinks that your husband is a wonderful guy, if you’ve been to therapy and you’ve been told “It takes two, you’ve gotta work too” – Well, you know what? It only works if he hears you in the first place. And if he doesn’t even acknowledge that you have a different idea or opinion, then therapy for couples isn’t going to work for you just like it hasn’t worked for me!

When I’ve been to therapy I feel like I’ve been beaten up. I feel like I’ve been told to do 100% more of the 100% I’m already doing and he gets to take a nap because he’s charming. I wish I was that charming! Shoot!

Whatever the case, look into verbal abuse if you’re having a rough time in your relationship. Even if, like me, you’ve been married a long time. Just go get your book. Look up the author Patricia Evans, get her book The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? Read this book and you’ll know within the first couple chapters if this is what you’ve been experiencing.

verbally abusive marriage videoI’ll be back. I’ll talk to ya’ll next time, but I probably won’t look this nice because I usually don’t wear make-up. I just got back from somewhere so I’m all dolled up. Next time I’ll look like normal – kinda scary.

Talk to ya’ll later. Bye bye.

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Comments

  1. My dear Friend I endured an 18 year marriage where abuse was present at all times. The only way to put yourself back in your own to feet is to let go of this life and start over with your children. Your first step is to contact a public office for women in distress or the abuse hot line and they will help you with everything you need to became independent and start over. Do not be afraid you are not alone. If you ask you will get the help you need right now. Go to the yellow pages or call the police department in your area they will help you. Do not be afraid to call they will help you. I promise.

  2. Thank you so much for coming out and sharing your story. Mine is very similar. I was married for 20 years to a man who verbally abused me for about 19 of those years. He was (and still is) a master at deception; of manipulation and control. He lives in his own little world and is always right; never wrong. Very highly opinionated, if I didn’t agree with him, he loved to shut me down. I could never, ever, please him. He had unrealistic expectations of what a marriage “should be”. I wasn’t a good enough wife, or mother. I was called every derogatory and vulgar name in the book, even in front of our kids. He is extremely insecure in his position in life and thinks he should be a millionaire, and of course it’s all my fault he isn’t. In the last 5 years of our marriage, when the kids were old enough to understand, he would belittle and demean me in front of them for effect. We started each and every morning in a screaming match – started by him, ended by my breaking down just to get it to stop. Every night after he fell asleep I would creep downstairs and bawl my eyes out, praying to God to deliver me from this hell. By God’s grace, I was given the drive and talent to be able to start my own business and become self-sufficient enough to leave him. Four years ago, I finally did. He begged for me to stay… Ha. My love had run completely dry. I’ve since reconnected with an old high school boyfriend and – for almost three years now – has shown me the warmest, kindest love I’ve never imagined. So now I’m dealing with my 15 year old daughter who is suffering his control and wrath. He’s been smart enough not to leave marks on her, but the emotional abuse is there. She has me to lean on and I have been her strength during the bad times. She knows that it is not HER who has the problem—that he has the disorder. I’ve reported him to Child Services, but there has never been enough evidence to convict. To top it all off, he has managed to get remarried—! and the new wife has NO clue of his true form. Yet. My daughter tells me how “fake” he acts around his new wife. Imagine that. I suspect it won’t be long until he begins to leak around the seams. Part of me wants to scream the truth to her (although she would never listen to me, she’s been told lies); part of me wants to stay silent—because I’m afraid if she finds out how he REALLY is, she will leave him—and he will turn psychotic.

    • I felt the same way about the new woman. I wrote her a letter and posted it to my blog…but I didn’t tell her about the letter. You’re right in saying they wouldn’t hear us. They are seeing the charming facade and we’re the psychotic exes. That woman left my ex and he’s on to a new one.

  3. Anonymous says:

    How do family members that see this kind of behavior help the wife and kids? Our daughter is living with a verbal abuser and has isolated her and keeps the kids away from any family or friend interaction. It is so heart-breaking. We would like to help our daughter—any suggestions are appreciated.

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