How Steve Found Out He Was Being Abused
My counselor told me I was in a verbally abusive relationship after I described my situation to her.
Steve’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Sad, Angry, Confused
Steve’s Story of Abuse
I found your site in a desperate search to understand what I am dealing with. I do not know how many people will understand a husband being abused, but here goes.
I have been married to my current wife for seven years. I had no idea I am being abused. I just always thought something was wrong with me. Things have gotten so stressful and upsetting for my wife that she told me I needed to fix what was wrong with me and to seek therapy for help in 11/2010.
Through my counselor I learned I am being verbally/emotionally abused. She and I worked on trying to get my wife to accept and change her abusive behaviors, but she denies most of it except the name calling and yelling. She controls, blackmails, criticizes, and diminishes me in cycles.
I read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, like so many people said a carbon copy of my life. I gave it to her and she refused to read it citing that she acts the way she does because of my behavior, whatever the problem of the day is.
My therapist recently told me in my session that after confronting my wife and asking her for change without any acceptance, she will not change.
I feel like I am kind of partially in the disbelief, angry, and personal responsibility stages of this that I have read about. I have been trying to read all I can about verbal/emotional abuse online. I had no idea there were so many people being victimized by this.
I found your site which is great because it is very specific about verbal abuse. Your site has explained a few things that I have been confused about.
She is always saying I am lying and dishonest to her. I realized I am hiding things or not saying things to avoid upsetting her and sparking a rage session. So I get it that she thinks I am lying about talking to my friends or times of invites from them, but I have been doing it out of self preservation.
I am suspicious of her having borderline personality disorder. She has been on and off of antidepressants throughout our relationship. When she is on her meds she is mellow and easy to deal with for the most part during our cycles. My emotions and personality run fairly even and she goes up and down like a roller coaster. Ms. Evans book even speaks of most female abusers having personality issues.
I think I can classify myself as an ultra sensitive type of husband/male. I think it makes dealing with her even more difficult because when I stuff it, disconnect, or leave, she gets more enraged because of her emotionally abusive childhood.
So I do not know why I am summarizing my story to you. Maybe just to get it off my chest. I have had my therapist, and close friends tell me the only option is to leave. I am scared, frustrated, and unsure why I cannot leave just yet. She has thrown my clothes out in the yard, locked me out of the house, and checks my phone for messages constantly. Still I stay.
I want to be free and live a happy life. I keep thinking maybe it is me. My confidence and self esteem is so low. I need to leave so I can get on with my life. Thank you for creating this wonderful source of information. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Steve – Devoted family man just trying to live a happy life.