Steve’s Story of Abuse

How Steve Found Out He Was Being Abused

My counselor told me I was in a verbally abusive relationship after I described my situation to her.

Steve’s Emotional Signs of Abuse

Sad, Angry, Confused

Steve’s Story of Abuse

I found your site in a desperate search to understand what I am dealing with. I do not know how many will understand a husband being abused, but here goes.I found your site in a desperate search to understand what I am dealing with. I do not know how many people will understand a husband being abused, but here goes.

I have been married to my current wife for seven years. I had no idea I am being abused. I just always thought something was wrong with me. Things have gotten so stressful and upsetting for my wife that she told me I needed to fix what was wrong with me and to seek therapy for help in 11/2010.

Through my counselor I learned I am being verbally/emotionally abused. She and I worked on trying to get my wife to accept and change her abusive behaviors, but she denies most of it except the name calling and yelling. She controls, blackmails, criticizes, and diminishes me in cycles.

I read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, like so many people said a carbon copy of my life. I gave it to her and she refused to read it citing that she acts the way she does because of my behavior, whatever the problem of the day is.

My therapist recently told me in my session that after confronting my wife and asking her for change without any acceptance, she will not change.

I feel like I am kind of partially in the disbelief, angry, and personal responsibility stages of this that I have read about. I have been trying to read all I can about verbal/emotional abuse online. I had no idea there were so many people being victimized by this.

I found your site which is great because it is very specific about verbal abuse. Your site has explained a few things that I have been confused about.

She is always saying I am lying and dishonest to her. I realized I am hiding things or not saying things to avoid upsetting her and sparking a rage session. So I get it that she thinks I am lying about talking to my friends or times of invites from them, but I have been doing it out of self preservation.

I am suspicious of her having borderline personality disorder. She has been on and off of antidepressants throughout our relationship. When she is on her meds she is mellow and easy to deal with for the most part during our cycles. My emotions and personality run fairly even and she goes up and down like a roller coaster. Ms. Evans book even speaks of most female abusers having personality issues.

I think I can classify myself as an ultra sensitive type of husband/male. I think it makes dealing with her even more difficult because when I stuff it, disconnect, or leave, she gets more enraged because of her emotionally abusive childhood.

So I do not know why I am summarizing my story to you. Maybe just to get it off my chest. I have had my therapist, and close friends tell me the only option is to leave. I am scared, frustrated, and unsure why I cannot leave just yet. She has thrown my clothes out in the yard, locked me out of the house, and checks my phone for messages constantly. Still I stay.

I want to be free and live a happy life. I keep thinking maybe it is me. My confidence and self esteem is so low. I need to leave so I can get on with my life. Thank you for creating this wonderful source of information. I appreciate it more than I can say.

Steve – Devoted family man just trying to live a happy life.

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Comments

  1. I left over a year ago with deeply resonating physical and emotion injuries. My battle is still ongoing but when compete I wish to submit an unedited journal of some 250 handwritten pages I’ll retype, a sound recording of the abuser and countless legal documents from public record. I would like it to be a book in itself. Any help would be greatly appreciated. At present I have lost all including a vehicle to fraud and stalking, the system has thus far failed me on police interventions, on requests for injunction and I did spend five months in a DV shelter. My abuser is facing felony fraud charges on another matter and has avoided any consequence for countless other crimes. I have no charges.

    • Glen, you can self-publish books on createspace.com, lulu.com and others and ebooks on Amazon, Barnes & Nobles, Smashwords (or Smashbooks?) and others. The ebook versions can include media files or you can provide links to where they’re hosted online from either the print book or the ebook.

      I prefer Createspace and Amazon.

      You could also publish your story to a blog. You can get free blogs at blogger.com and wordpress.com.

      • Thank you. I desperately needed this information. At present I’m so overwrought with the lack of support from the system, its as if you are reviled for speaking out. I am hoping in the coming weeks that by presenting new information I’ll be able to get a final dissolution, and some crumb of fair restitution to help me rebuild my life. By now I am prepared to take this to print, to radio and television. I no longer wish to simply break the silence with a word. The fear is still present but I feel the best response is to scream every detail at the top of my lungs to the entire world, and hope it may contribute to saving even one more life, and perhaps contribute to change.

  2. Send Lawyers, Guns and Money says:

    I am going through this myself. Finally figured out the real reasons behind the huge over the top outbursts, threats, screaming, constant cold treatments (almost weekly). I am the reason for her anger, I am told-I cause it and need to learn not to make her angry( by giving her everything, and never standing up for my self. She drives a wedge between me and all my guy friends. Constantly criticizes them. Always insinuates that I have a girlfriend, etc. (Nope, never).
    I hoped for treatment via counseling,etc. Then I read everywhere, and I mean everywhere that some men might change, but women virtually never do. So I am going straight to filing for divorce. At fifty plus, it is hard to do, but I can not take this anymore. The last argument she threatened things I have never heard before, and they are serious. I am not sure of her reaction to the papers soon, but I suspect extreme over the top and possibly serious violence on her part. I am going to make sure I have witnesses in the home…

    • You may also want to set up a place to spend the night, at least. At that point, make sure you spend the night with a dude – female friends are not the ones to turn to right now. Good for you!

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