How Sam Realized She Was Being Abused
He showed jealousy, needed to control everything, came up with crazy accusations, threatened suicide, isolated me and himself from family and friends. For some time I thought maybe I was going crazy, since he was careful to show a good face in public, even sending me roses at work a couple of times a year to make sure that people at work would tell me how lucky I was to have such a good guy. Was it really all in my head, or was I driving him somehow to torment me in private?
Besides, I was a strong person. I certainly didn’t think of myself as a “victim.” Then something told me to start looking online for information about verbal abuse. I found sites like this one and I read all I could. I felt like I was reading about my own marriage, my own life. It gave me so much strength and clarity, enough to finally see what I was up against and that I had to find a way to begin the hard work of getting out. Finally I had some answers, and I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
Sam’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Sam’s Story of Abuse
I was always a strong and independent woman. I was not someone who needed a relationship or a man to take care of things for her. I married him not quite 7 years ago, and yet it feels like I’ve been miserable for eternity. In the beginning, he was sweet, thoughtful, fun and caring. I could not understand how or why his ex-fiancé would ever have given him up. Let alone get a restraining order on him and accuse him of horrendous abuse. I ran right into his arms believing her to have been a crazy bitch and him the love of my life.
It didn’t take long for the real him to show through though, although I chose to ignore so many red flags it embarrasses me to admit it. I thought that his jealousy was because he really cared for me and because his heart had been broken. I thought that he was only critical because he was trying to help me be the best I could be. I thought he required me to call constantly when I was away from him because he wanted to make sure I was safe.
Once we married, my life became a nightmare (Top 12 Signs of Abuse in Your Future). Over the last seven years I have endured
- sleep deprivation,
- near constant accusations of infidelity,
- threats of suicide,
- mood swings,
And there’s more.
He convinced my mother to sign away her and my grandmother’s home to him, which I thought was to protect their property as my mother was going through bankruptcy. But he evicted my mom after my grandmother died.
I tattooed his name on my body (something I swore I would never do) because he badgered me relentlessly. He said it meant so much to him for us to have each other’s names tattooed on each other. When I protested that it was my body and I didn’t want to do it, he said that my body wasn’t mine. One year after, he wore me down and got me to do it. But he has never mentioned getting my name in return. Every time I look at my tattoo I want to cut it right off my body (tattoo removal).
He sold countless items passed down through my family for generations
I watched him viciously verbally abuse my mother, afraid of what he might do if I protested or tried to intervene.
He harasses me over sex, and expected to offer a blow job every night, mostly so that he can turn me down. He has threatened to castrate himself if I won’t agree to bear him children.
He has not worked for the entire length of our marriage due to a work injury, but refuses to apply for disability because he doesn’t like the “stigma” attached to it. I guess he doesn’t mind the stigma of letting his wife bear the brunt of all expenses while he stays home and abuses her.
I work long hours every day at a job where I am miserable, while he texts me countless times a day. He expects me to come home every day during my lunch break so that he can keep track of every minute of my time. If I am more than five minutes late leaving work he becomes angry and accuses me, either directly or indirectly, of cheating.
I no longer want to be around him and haven’t for a long time. I have to detach to get through sex with him, and even kissing has become repulsive to me. I have only one close friend left to confide in, and that friend is a secret I keep from my husband. He has alienated all of his friends and family except for his mother who lives with us. His mother actually told me recently that he is just like his father (her ex) and that the best thing she ever did was walk out on him and never turn back!
What I hate most these days are actually the honeymoon periods when he is nice to me, because it just makes it hurt that much more to do the one thing that I know I have to do: LEAVE. Although no one knows but my one friend, I am working on leaving, but it seems to take forever… I am not financially dependent on him. In fact there is nothing I really need from him. Yet I still feel guilty, I don’t want to be the kind of person who abandons another human being with no means of support.
But mostly I am afraid of what he will do once I am going or gone. Even though he has never hit me, I do not trust him at all and I know that my plan has to be airtight before I actually leave (Domestic Violence Safety Plan: A comprehensive plan that will keep you safer whether you stay or leave).
I feel exhausted and like my heart has been scraped out inside.
*I keep going over in my mind how I will actually leave, do I tell him or just leave and not come back? How far away do I need to go to be safe?
I hope my story helps someone else as much as other women’s stories have helped me.
*Note: In most cases, give NO notice that you’re leaving. Abusers can turn violent (even if they haven’t acted violently in the past) when they know you’re leaving. See Leaving Abuse Tips.