RandomlyK’s Story of Abuse

RandomlyK’s Signs of Being Abused

A few months ago, in confiding to friend…, our conversation revealed much more than I was ready for – that my life sounded like a movie from Lifetime, the one about the woman whose husband beat, tormented and stalked her.

RandomlyK’s Emotional Signs of Abuse

Humiliated, Heart-broken, Terrified, Shocked

RandomlyK’s Story of Abuse

He calls back a few times, I don't answer. Hours later, he apologies but in a way that makes me feel like crap as if I can't make decisions for myself. I’ve know that something has been wrong with my marriage, my relationship with my husband, and subsequently with my children, for quite some time. I thought it was me at first, but after a while, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

A few months ago, in confiding to friend the following incident, our conversation revealed much more than I was ready for–that my life sounded like a movie from Lifetime, the one about the woman whose husband beat, tormented and stalked her.

My thoughts were, “That can’t be true. He’s never hit me.”

The morning following this incident, I felt emotionally drained and lacked a desire to live. I was on the verge of suicidal thinking. I was humiliated, heartbroken, and terrified. My husband had told me to pack up my things and get out of “his house.”

I would later find myself cowering and apologizing, begging him to forgive me. Later, all would be fine and blissful…

That night before, my company was hosting it’s annual dinner for the staff and our spouses. It’s a tradition and very much so looked forward to by everyone: a few hours of relaxing, mingling, enjoying the people, and no work talk…with exception of a few words from our managers to praise us for a year well done. Not to mention, the company footed the bill for a fancy dinner, cocktails and delectable desserts at one of the finest restaurants in town.

While I was getting ready, you know the make up, hair, picking the just right dress to wear, my husband was making sure our teenager was all set to “babysit” for the evening. My preparations were interrupted when my husband told me that one of the younger children complained of “not feeling well”. My husband asks me, “Should we still go?”

I told him that I would check on the little one and see how bad he was, and if he was truly sick, I’d send my apologies to the staff and that we’d stay home. In the children’s bedroom, the not-feeling-so-well-child was asleep. The teenager explained that the child had a headache earlier, before I had gotten home from work.

The not-feeling-so-well made a bit of sense, as this child often gets headaches and will sleep them off. I tell my husband that it’s just another headache, that the child is sleeping and should be fine for a few hours, that the teenager could call us if he got worse–we’ll only be 10 minutes away.

My husband, who had not begun to get ready to go, told me that he didn’t feel we should go. I acquiesced, although disappointed, I respected his decision.

He must have seen the disappointment on my face, and started to say “Just Go. Go by yourself and I’ll stay here.” I didn’t feel that would be fair, and I really didn’t want to go alone to a social event.

I told him that wasn’t necessary and that it wasn’t a big deal, yes I was a little disappointed but it’s just a dinner, there will be others.

He gets more agitated and very insistent over the next few minutes, and even though I know he didn’t mean it and didn’t want me to go, I went to the dinner alone.

The dinner lasted a few hours, I sat with a single (female) coworker, and made my husband sound like a hero: He was staying home to care for our sick child, so that I could enjoy the evening with my co-workers.

Towards the end of the dinner, my cell phone buzzes at me. It’s him…demanding to know where I am and who I’m with, why I’m not home yet? And how dare I leave him with sick children so I could go play.

He tells me to not to bother to come home, that he wants me out of his life.

I’m flustered and embarrassed, as I’m sure those sitting closest to me could hear his loud voice. I hurried home to find the house completely dark. He had gone to bed…and locked me out of my bedroom. I was shocked and very upset, I’ve never been locked out of my room before. I was scared.

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, so I curled up on the end of my daughters bed. A few hours later, he comes cooing and asks me to come to bed with him, so I do as he asks. I don’t remember any talking, just that we went to sleep.

The next morning, he goes to work and calls me from his cell phone on his way. He starts ranting out that night. I remind him that he is the one who insisted that I go…that if he didn’t mean, he shouldn’t have said it. He said that it must have made him look horrible that his wife was out partying, alone, and then said the most hateful he’s ever said to me: “You went so you could shake your ass in front of your boss!!!”

All I could do was stammer at first. I was angry, hurt, but terrified of him. I mustered up the strength to say “That’s what you think of me? Really? You think that of me after all of these years? Thank you, thank you very much.” Click.

He tries to call back a few times, I don’t answer. Hours later, he apologies but in a way that makes me feel like crap and that I don’t know how to make decisions for myself. All is “Hunky Dory” for a while.

My friend who I confided had called to invite me out with the girls. I told her that I didn’t think I’d be “allowed to” and told her this story. That is when she made the Lifetime movie reference and reminded me that this is not the first time that he’s had issues with me “going out” or spending time with people I know.

I’ve seen many of those types of movies, and always thought, “Thank goodness my man is not like that.” But he is. He’s never physically hit me, but his words and attitude towards me are feeling more and more like punches, kicks and blows every day.

That night, I had wished that he would have slapped me or hit me, because I would have told him to leave or called the police or even left myself. I had told myself long ago that I’d never live with a man who treated me that way, but I have. For 16 years I have.

I’m not sure if the knowing is scarier than that not knowing, but I’ve always believed that “knowledge is power”. Somehow, this new revelation has slowly begun building a sense of empowerment in me. Just a touch of power and control over my own life.

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Comments

  1. This one struck with me. Verbal abuse that his like a fist. But to me it feels like a stab. Numbness follows the sting and I withdrawal. I feel powerless in using my words, so I avoid. But I’m getting more desperate to find my voice. He of course thinks it’s all me, I’m just like my mom.

  2. This made me jittery because it sounded SO MUCH like what I went through! Even down to the comment about shaking your ass in front of your boss. I also was with my abuser for 16 years. And TODAY is ONE YEAR since he THREW the separation papers at my head while I was lying in the bed!

  3. Anonymous says:

    I feel as though I have been in an abusive relationship for years.
    I love this girl and she comes from a broken home with a father who wasn’t there, a mother who has been sick since the day my partner was born and two estranged brothers whom she has never met. Before me there were relationships with men while she was in her teens over 20 years older than her that made her do sexual things for them and their friends.
    So I have come into a load of baggage I thought I could deal with but now it am carrying it.
    We didn’t used to argue but she snaps without reasoning and calls me the most horrid things and has beat me a number of times. I am a big guy and have been called a pussy for walking away or crying. She snaps when anything sexual comes on the TV and kind of blames me for it.
    The last time we argued she jammed a banana into my temple when a sex scene came on the screen of a film we were watching and accused me of getting out this movie I hadn’t watched before because I like to watch these people do this. I stuck up for myself as I felt like shit being physically and verbally put down and asked for an apology and grabbed the hand with the banana, then nails were dug into my back and I was told to get fucked. I took that hand off my back and she yelled that I was an assaulted and pushed me so that I hurt my back that I was off work for the day for. I tried to stop her by holding her hands down and when I let go she punched me in the head and scratched my throat. I grabbed her own hands and put them into her face and she was scratched which I feel shit for and I stopped and was punched in face again. Then I was throttled and I held her down with her arm behind her back.
    I felt like shit restraining her because I had been hurt so many times in the past, lying about black eyes and facial scratches, taking time off work a number of times from injuries.
    She left for work and I got a knock on the door and it was the police.
    They had already talked to my flatmate thinking he was me and now I am trapped. They questioned me and I told them the full story but who’s gonna believe a big guy over a woman? I asked them what they would do in my position but they couldn’t give me an answer. I am hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, confused and really badly depressed. I also found out that she has been pregnant for 8 weeks the day after the fight.
    I dont know what to, I feel like I am trapped and I have no way out.

  4. It sounds like my ex. Unpredictable, contradicting himself, finding excuses not to go places, offering to help and then blaming you for accepting, treating the time spent ”babysitting” his own kids like a difficult chore unfairly imposed on him, setting traps so he can rage later. Abusive people are just so similar.

  5. This is just what im going through. My husband was upset because I dont take care of the cars. I had a car parked in garage for over 4 months so i decided to take it out for a drive. It overheated and I stopped at a car shop for help. They advised me of possible failures but to let it cool off and then go back home. I let my husband know about incident and suggested that we sell it and with that money buy tires for our other car. He said hed think about it. When he got home he seemed upset and checked the car himself. Taking things apart and what not. When I’d ask him about it he’d ignore me. He blamed me for the damages and walked into the house and first locked himself in the bedroom then when i asked what was going on why was he behaving this way and not talking to me he shoved our furniture against the door!! I became so anxious as he wouldnt talk to me. Mind you…we were separated for a month due to a domestic violence incident and his drinking problem. We had just gotten back together. I went to bed with my daughters in the next room. I couldnt sleep and cried. Next day I woke up with chest pain and shortness of breath and drove myself to the ER. Now ive realized i must take care of myself, and i took all my belongings out of our bedroom and decided to stay in the kids room while i recover with meds.

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