After an hour of fighting I say it is all my fault. That makes him happy and things calm down. I made dinner and then went upstairs to take a bath. I forgot I am not allowed to do that anymore without him. He jumped in. I washed and got out, this was not enjoyable to me. I went to bed with a short kiss and he was not too far behind. Or at least that’s my guess. I was exhausted. I had planned to be in bed three hours ago.
I woke up to him standing over me again. It gives me the willies so bad. I never know what he is going to do, even when he bends over to kiss me I jump. I can’t help it. I am afraid of him.
After the bath and a nice quiet supper, I figured today he would be happy…wrong! He left a note on the computer, explaining how I have messed our lives up and how I am the love of his life. And thank god for that what would he do to me if I wasn’t. How I treat him so bad and if I would just love him he would be a nicer person.
I keep saying it but I need a plan.
Another Day. Well knowing he was going to be coming home every day did help. When he came home Tuesday I managed to get him in the hot tub and he was very pleasant. He in turn got pissed in the middle of the night and went down stairs. Then proceeded to come up stairs three different times just to go through my clothes, stare, and of course kiss me and say I love you. When I got up I still could not figure out what pissed him off.
Another Day. Well, the same ole same ole. He stares at me. Of course I am awake because it’s 5:30 and he should be gone. I later found out he overslept (no wonder he stayed up late drinking). I just waited until he left to go down stairs. I knew and he made sure I did he slammed the door so hard it knocked shit off the wall. Oh well time to make the coffee. The day proved uneventful and I had fun cleaning with my new toy – a steamer for the floors.
He came home in a good mood but that changed quickly as my phone was ringing and ringing. I try to always answer it now because of BooBoo. [My daughter] said my kids and grandkids missed me, and I talked for a while to them. In the meantime, my girlfriend was beeping on, then Jay called just checking on me and lastly another friend called to tell me she missed school and could I please start waking her up again. By now [my husband] is livid because one I am one the phone, and two I did not jump up and kiss him.
I am thinking the man is a nut. I said I was sorry but in my defense I did blow you one. Although he and I both know I was being a smart ass in response to him telling me to kiss his ass. I got him calm, into the hot tub, and told him I had a surprise for him – meatloaf, his favorite.
Next he’s telling me again how my son hates me and loves him and they would all choose him over me if they had to. I listen for a while then called his bluff and told him to call Jay. He was on the phone acting all stupid like they were having some great conversation so I asked to talk too. Apparently the conversation was one-sided and Jay told him to leave him out of his drama. However, to my surprise, he did not tell [my husband] to act right or else, which is what he told me on my birthday that he would if [my husband] kept it up.
I hung up, got my supper and went to bed, but I knew or felt something bad was going to happen so I got one of his gun cases and jammed the door closed so he could not get in until morning. Well that did not go well because about thirty minutes later he wanted in. I knew he was mad just from the sound of his footsteps. He kicked the door in. The man is crazy, but it gets better.
He takes the pillows and leaves without a word. At one in the morning he starts again staring at me, standing over me, then the kisses telling me he loves me. I do nothing. He gets in bed, tries to snuggle up and wake me with kisses while saying over and over again how sorry he is. All I can think is what in the world has he broken or torn up this time. Please do not let him have found my locket is playing like a record in my mind. Then I did something stupid I said it out loud. What did you tear up?
Holy hell blew into him. Apparently he came up to have sex “so that I will be nice to your company this weekend” and I blew! Now no one will have fun! The fight is on and I don’t care who is here.
Another Day. More crying. More drama. I don’t know why everything has to be a fight. So the guys an ass – that’s no reason for beating mine. God he hates me but tells me he loves me, I wish I wasn’t so stupid. I wish I could tell someone but I am to too ashamed!
Another Day. Went to Jerry’s and Marcia’s party this weekend. He did go because he was mad about my shirt – said I looked like a whore. Brought little Jerry over to see pups – big mistake. I got him to go back with me but he was ignorant to everyone. We finally had to leave when he thought that I was sleeping with the guy I brought over. He didn’t realize it was their son and he was BooBoo’s age. Yep, another night of breaking shit and hitting. What a mess.
Another Day. I had my Easter this weekend another holiday without BooBoo has passed and we all lived through it. [My husband] was very nice and fun until they left. He was mad over the money that was spent, just a lot of screaming then bed. Sunday was no better because I didn’t make a fancy dinner. I never do and he knows that. I do Easter and all my holidays early so I can have all my family there. He was invited to his family’s. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go.
Another Day. What a weekend! Jerry gave me a really nice lawn mower and I got yelled at he said I must have given him a blow job for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting worse. He followed me to bed Saturday night and I was just waiting for him to kill me in my sleep. Instead I did what he wanted…sex. Maybe I live to write another week. Note to self: get rid of ammo!
Another Day. Trees came in so I planted all 200 of them and some bulbs, too. I am in trouble because he doesn’t want to mow around them. What a dumb ass. He’s the one who said they would look so nice I think he is going crazy.
Another Day. [My husband] had a fit that we had to go to C.C. for my grandson’s birthday. When we got home he yelled all night until he passed out. I locked the door again and still couldn’t sleep so I went out on the roof. Thank god it is huge and flat and as long as I stay close to the house I don’t get afraid. He got in the room and started locking all the windows. If I went to one he ran and locked it. I was begging him to let me inside. Terrified, I finally broke a window. He is out of his mind. I cried all night he didn’t come back up until morning then I got it for breaking the window. He said I would see. I don’t know what that means but I am sure I’ll find out.
Another Day. Well I guess I should have been on the computer yesterday he knocked me out of the chair and tried to tear my cell out of my hands I knew he would rip it apart like all the others but this one has the last text BooBoo sent me. I begged him not to break it. He left me there on the floor just looking at me and walked away. Yep he broke it but not too bad. I can still use it. It’s time to start making a plan. He has broken almost everything I have left of BooBoo’s.
Teco has been missing now for a week. I don’t want to think it but that’s two puppies that just disappeared, and always when he’s been livid. I will never get away. That’s how I make money – no dogs, no money. Could he be doing something with them? Is he that cruel?
Memorial Day weekend. One week till we have a celebration of my son’s life. God how I miss him!
Didn’t get to go to the block party. [My husband] has a black eye. I was locked in my room again and all I could hear is shit breaking. I went down stairs and he was just picking shit up randomly and throwing it. I went to grab a craft out of his hands and when he jerked I lost my grip and it hit him right in his eye. I was stunned.
Next thing you know we are in it. I am trying to get away. It doesn’t work so as he is pulling me I am pushing him out the storm door. He fell and yep it’s broke. God I hate this, but now he can say I abuse him. Funny he gives himself a black eye and it’s my fault because I tried to get something from him.
Share Your Story of Abuse: Break Your Silence
Please share your comments below.