Another Day. Unfortunately [my husband] came home early on Wednesday. I was surprised just not pleasantly. I had just received BooBoo’s death certificate. And there was no answers there. So for once I showed my ass. He wanted me to be happy he was home, I just wished I had my one more day. Of course that went over like a turd in a punch bowl after about an hour of arguing I left. Still sick, hurt and now pissed off. I came home in the morning after picking up Pammie.
I sent an email on his phone taking the blame for once and said I was sorry, hoping after everything he had done in the last couple of months I would get a free pass. Not likely – he ran with this one. And what can you do? Nothing I was wrong. So you just listen and let him go with it he had settled down some by the time he got home.
In the morning it started as usual, it was my fault he slept down stairs. He always stays there because he falls asleep. Oh well.
Jay would be twenty-four this year. Somehow we all made it through his birthday and I gave him the pillow he wanted me to make for him out of his brother’s coat his was wearing that night. I put off making as long as I could and damn near could not bring myself to do it. It seems no matter how hard we all try everything still revolves around him. Waking up, going to sleep, birthdays, eating his favorite foods, holidays, and just living. He was the life and glue of our family.
[My husband] yelled at me all the way home and then night finally came. Him on the couch and me in our bed. By three in the morning he started again. He woke me up seven times to yell at me for different things – one was he had to pack his own bag. Poor baby, guess he needs a cookie.
It’s pretty uneventful this week. I put up that stupid surround sound. Obviously he is not going to take it back (after all he bought it for himself) and hopefully it will make him happy. I already hate it. It is too loud and a pain in the ass. As I sit here writing this I am starting to get anxious as I know it won’t be long before he is home again. I have got to figure out how to make everything better or what I am going to do.
I am trying to get back into my life b.b.b.d. (before BooBoo’s death). One of the dogs is close to having her pups and there is one more behind her. I use to enjoy this so much even though it always sends [my husband] into a rage. He gets pissed because it takes so much of my attention away. That’s always good for a fight if he can’t find anything else.
We were invited to go skiing with [my daughter] and the kids, but I know he would ruin it for everyone, he already started about how we would be stuck with the grandkids. I sometimes wonder how he can say he loves them and turn around and not want to play with them. He should feel so lucky they want us around. His children never come around or invite us anywhere. I guess that’s half his problem. He is jealous.
So we will be here all weekend fighting and me wishing I was with my family. I do wonder what I will do wrong this weekend. I guess me being sick will cause the problem this time. I have to admit it’s the only excuse I have to not sleep with him this time. I hope I don’t get better before Sunday.
Another Day. Nothing new. We did fight all day Friday and Saturday. But I nipped it in the bud on Sunday. Yes I did the deed. It amazes me how that one act can change him. He goes back to being Mr. Wonderful.
But that was short lived. I forgot that Monday was a holiday. I reminded him that the kids were here and to keep it down. But somehow it was my fault that he could not remember where he put his glasses. He finally got out of here around eight. He was supposed to be at work at seven. My fault too.
We were all a lot more relaxed when he left. Life was back to a normal family. Happy and easy going. Big breakfast, laughing carrying on, just enjoying the day. When they finally left I heard all about myself over the phone. I think I could defiantly live without a phone. I love it when it does not work.
My sister was flying up for two wonderful weeks. And call to say her flight was delayed and may miss her connection in Atlanta. No good. [My daughter] was supposed to be picking her up as I had to be at the vets at the time her flight was coming in. And [my daughter] is now trying to get out of picking her up. Now I am pissed. They finally agreed to stick to the plan and I start cleaning up the morning’s disaster. The phone is ringing off the hook and I ignored it. I should not have done that.
On top of all the crap going on my sister’s husband had called. Turns out not only did they delay the flight but they cancelled it. They could have given her a later flight but what they did not know was she was afraid to fly in the first place so when they announced for everyone to exit immediately in an orderly fashion she thought it was a bomb. Turns out they had no landing gear. It was still enough. She will never go near a plane again. She was a wreck! Now that pretty much just finishes my day. I was so looking forward to seeing her. I knew for at least two weeks he would behave. No fighting.
I was using her but also needed her. Someone to talk to understand not judge me for missing my son, or yell at me for crying or being sad. Once again my mood made my life a living hell. I really should learn to lie fake everything loving him, needing him, wanting him and never, never let him know I am upset or sad. The next day I had to go into town to pick a book I had order for his brother’s daughter-in-law’s baby shower. Of course I made those plans because he got home early and told me he would be working, to make up the hours.
I guess I need to get his permission from now on just in case his schedule changes. Hum by golly I think I might be getting it. We missed the baby shower and the next day started with him yelling not more than fifteen minutes after I woke up. God I love it when he is gone. I need to have my me time in the morning – coffee, cigarette, no one talking to me for at least an hour! Hell even my grandchildren know it. They just grab their milk which I make ahead of time and then snuggle. When the news goes off they let it roll.
He woke me up three times before he left once to stand over and stare at me. And since the punch in the face while I was asleep the night of his Christmas party every time he walks into the room I wake up. I don’t let him know, but I watch him he will never get to sucker punch me again. Hell I am afraid one day he’ll snap and shoot me. I guess at least I will see it coming (not funny). After he left I still had the willies so I got up. Between the dreams and him freaking me out I could not sleep. It is going to be a long day – 3am does not do me well. One good thing – no husband for a week!
I spent most of the day enjoying the early morning storm. I love it when the storm brings the tide into the front yard. By noon the storm passed and I was just getting ready for a relaxing evening witch was going to end early dinner, hot tub and bed at six. I was exhausted. Around three I figured I would call [my husband] let him know I was going to eat and go to bed. That way he would not be calling me all night and thinking I was up to something.
Well that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. He is coming home early. He is on his way. Do you think he could have told me earlier? Now he can be mad because there is no supper. But I beat him to that. And I am mad. I told him as much it would have been nice to know so I could prepare not only supper but myself. I hung up. I took a steak out of the freezer and put it in microwave to defrost. I got into the tub thinking I could relax until he gets here. Then I’ll be happy, he’ll be happy, and everything will be fine.
No, no, no! I just get in and he is in the driveway and mad because I am in the tub. All I can think of is why had he not called when he hit the Bay bridge, it’s an hour in a half away. If I had not called him I wouldn’t have known he was on his way home. Once again he was trying to find me doing something wrong. What the hell can anyone do wrong on an island?
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