Cynthia’s Signs of Being Abused
Poor self-esteem, insecure, no confidence, inability to accomplish any tasks or achieve my dreams. I always feel rejected and abandoned, paralyzed.
Cynthia’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Fear, sadness, loneliness
Cynthia’s Story of Abuse
Well this is my third abusive relationship not counting my childhood. My first one was my marriage at nineteen. I used it to escape my narcissistic mother who had made me her scapegoat since early childhood. She to was in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic. She married four times – all abusers. My marriage was to an alcoholic who I adored and the physical abuse began prior to our marriage. He slapped, choked, called me cunt, whore, stupid bitch for twenty years and finally ten years ago I left. But never filed divorce out of fear and I’m not sure why now. He is in rehab and we talk but no desire to ever be with him again.
There were dates before my split and they would have been abusers had I stayed. After I left I hooked right up with a man I met on line who really fooled me, he was perfect at first. He was a natural doctor, so he practiced energy work, was a health and wellness coach, etc. He was self-employed so he said he never had to file taxes or have an identity.
He would write contracts after I moved in about how I had to be home at nine cook dinner, have my gown on, meditate and on and on and try to make me sign it. He was cruel to me emotionally, leaving on weekend camps with other women and then saying you have to stay home and retreat into silence. Later I would find female clothing in his van.
One night he actually woke me to ask had I ever been raped. It creeped me out.
After I thought I could not have anymore children (I already had three from my marriage), but I found out I was pregnant with the doc’s child. He reacted horribly. Later, he left on a business trip during my miscarriage as the pregnancy did not take. I had no where to go to do this as his daughter, who was a lot like him, had moved in from her moms. My stuff got put in a big bus outside, and she got the guest room.
I was sick, tired, emotionally wrecked and in process of miscarriage, but no where to go. My oldest daughter who had stayed behind with her dad in our home talked me in to coming to visit her even though her dad was passed out drunk. She stayed with me while I lost the baby. The worst thing happened when four weeks later I went to see a doctor and to get birth control. The doctor says, “Yikes! We need to do pregnancy test. I think you’re pregnant again.” I cried how could I be, he would never practice safe sex as in his controlling mind he knew how to use natural birth control. I had to again break the news.
This time the doctor saw a heartbeat and said it was a good pregnancy. The doctor said she felt my partner was odd and she would be there for me. My partner wrote a prescription for herbs that would help me to abort; thank God I declined. I moved in to my own place and he harassed me to no end – even stealing my vehicle so I had no wheels. It was the saddest and loneliest time of my entire life as I live in Alaska, away from any family, and I was so shamed that I told no one until after my daughter’s birth.
He came to hospital with his daughter trying to submit a false birth certificate, but the head nurse caught on and put me and my baby under hospital security. It was suppose to be a beautiful time and he made it hell. I lived in fear and then later learned he fled to avoid paying child support. He now owes $90,000 in back support.
My daughter is an amazing child and has been from day one. I say God sent her to be my guardian angel. I took a year off from any men and then my friends thought I needed to date.
The next abusive relationship was the worst as far as impact because I feel guilty for staying seven years. He was nice but I did not think he was the one at first, so I dated for four months before we had any intimacy. I was not ready. At first, he wasn’t sure because I had this two year old and he was raising teens with his ex, but things took off and I sent my beautiful baby to live with my sister who abused me with her control. My sister wanted to keep my daughter because they were not able to conceive again. It was hell and yet he got to see his kids all the time. Now I resent him. It should have been a red flag.
It has been seven years of abuse verbally calls me a rancid cunt, a whore, a stupid bitch and yet says “Why do you want to leave? You have everything! I love you both and want to adopt her”. In the next sentence he is saying your a lousy mom, you have no family, no career. I know abuse too well but am so afraid. In his eyes and his friends he is charming.
He also would not support me in me fostering my two beautiful grand kids. I had them a year and no support from him emotionally. He never invited them for a movie – nothing – and they went back to foster care. When I cry he says “Stop with the woe is me and boo hoo! Grow up.”
He lied about addiction and drinks daily also binged three times on coke. I am as square as ever, but because I have shared wine he says I’m a wino. I can never win an argument with him. He fights very dirty with names and my past from years of abuse, says my family was dysfunctional, etc. He expects me to be there for his adult kids and makes me cook every year a Christmas brunch and share gifts. This year I suggested a dinner and he blew up saying that won’t work. I was tired he did not care and hid kids were two hours late He shares texts behind my back with their mom and always accommodates her, and yet says “I hate that crazy bitch”.
I am trying to leave. My heart aches and I am numb; I know he won’t change and I want to raise my daughter with better choices than our older kids made due to our parenting because of dysfunction. She says, “Just go Mommy! Don’t fight! I hear him – he calls you bad names!” Help me to see the light.
Are you abused? Tell your story and Break The Silence and download this Safety Plan. Did you leave an abusive relationship? Tell us how you did it at How I Left Abuse.
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