Casey’s Story of Abuse

Casey’s Signs of Being Abused

I didn’t know what emotional/verbal abuse was. So it took me a long time to figure it out, and after I figured it out, it took me 2 1/2 years to accept.  I knew that I didn’t like the way he talked to me. I knew he had a bad temper. I knew that something wasn’t right. And before too long, I ended up thinking that maybe it was me. I came across something on the internet that caught my attention on emotional/verbal abuse and It knocked the breath out of me.

Casey’s Emotional Signs of Abuse

Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Overwhelm

Casey’s Story of Abuse

Casey's Story of AbuseMy boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. A few years ago we broke up. I was unaware at this time that I was being abused. I didn’t know what emotional/verbal abuse was. I didn’t know that it was serious.

I thought that when someone verbally abused you, it was them cussing you when they got mad over something sensible. Boy was I wrong!

We had a rocky relationship from the time that I got pregnant with my son. I knew that something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. He had threatened me a few times, but I never knew that threatening somebody was abuse. I thought that abuse was only serious if it was physical.

To beat it all he broke up with me because I was at my sister’s when he got off work visiting my dad who I hadn’t seen in about a year. He called me cussing me because I wasn’t home, and didn’t have his dinner ready. When I told him that I was at my sister’s visiting my dad, he still didn’t care. He just cussed me more, and told me that I could just stay there. So that’s what I did.

After a day or so he called me begging me to come home, but I was enjoying having my freedom, and not having to feel like I was walking on egg shells anymore. I didn’t know why I felt so free. For the first time in a long time I was just me, and all I had to worry about was me, and my son.

I was to afraid to get back with him, and him not change. I didn’t want to end up in the position where I felt stuck again.

At first he went along with this. He apologized a million times, and continued to beg me back…even went to a doctor to get medicine for his anger problems. I found out later he wasn’t taking them.

One day I guess he had enough, and lost his cool with me. He went off on me, and told me that he was going to call child protective services on me, and try to take my son away. I was scared because the state we live in, when a child is born, neither of the parents have full custody. So when we broke up my abuser could have taken my son for months, until we were able to get a court date.

This scared me so I went straight to the court-house. When I got there I remember that I was talking to my mom about being scared of [my abuser’s] temper. The people at the court-house overheard me talking about it. They said, “Honey, you need to go file a DVP on him until you guys can get to court.”

I was like a DVP??!! Well he’s never been abusive to me. He has threatened me. Pushed me and dragged me once. But never laid a hand on me. I couldn’t do something like that to him! I didn’t know that dragging someone was abusive either. But they insisted that I did. I just wanted my son to be safe, and with me so I agreed.

After that I felt so guilty, and by the time court started I was changing my mind about everything. Now I realize that it was just because I had my abuser’s voice inside my head telling me how horrible of a person I was for doing what I done to him, even though he couldn’t talk to me, it was there.

I really thought that I was a horrible person. I felt like I had lied to just to be able to keep my son, and worried to death that my abuser was going to get into trouble. Or possibly lose his son because of me.

So that’s when I started to crumble, he saw my weakness and used it against me. He won me back. He got me to the point to where he made me think that I was selfish, and just got tired of the family life. That it would have been so easy for him to change, and I messed everything up.

I lost a lot of weight, barely ate, and just about grieved myself to death over the custody arrangements for my son. He got me to agree that he would have him 3 days one week and me 4, and then the next week me 3 days, and him 4. My son was only 2 at the time. I only agreed because he had me thinking that it should be equal.

I was mentally drained, and ended up begging him to take me back. He took me back.

When I first got there he was so mean to me! I thought I deserved it, so I took it. I thought surely this couldn’t last forever, and he would stop once he quit hurting.

Somehow I ran across emotional/verbal abuse on the internet, and it literally knocked the breath out of me. I knew that was what I was going through. But I couldn’t possibly leave him again, after all that I went through.

I would read this about it every chance I got. It was taking control over me, and I was getting to emotionally drained thinking about how he could do that to me. I didn’t think that I could go through anymore pain like I had just endured, and got over. So I pushed it out of my head, I thought it wasn’t that bad, I could just block the bad things out of my head, not let it get to me, because he would be back to normal in no time after he would explode.

So that’s what I did, I pushed it out of my head, and went on with my life. He quit being so abusive, he wasn’t as bad as what he was in the past. He quit threatening me. That was one thing I told him that had to stop.

I got pregnant for the second time and had my daughter. Doctors diagnosed my son with autism, and he started going to preschool early so he could have some extra help. He was 3 at this time. One morning I woke my abuser up, and told him it was time to take my son to school. He started going off on me. He called me every name in the book, told me how worthless I was. He went on cussing me for what it seemed like forever.

The next week was my daughter’s birthday, and I was wrapping presents. He came in the room cussing me telling me that I had wasted too much money on birthday presents for her she was only one she wouldn’t even know it was her birthday. Then he grabbed me by my shirt and started jerking me around the room because I started unwrapping the presents to take them back to the store. I was going to find another way for her to have a birthday that didn’t include his money.

I told him to take his hands off me, and luckily he did. He then tried burning me with a cigarette. So I quit fighting with him. I wasn’t so sure if he would really burn me or not, but I didn’t want to press my luck. Something clicked within that moment, and ever since then I’ve made myself face reality that I am in an abusive relationship.

I am still going through a long hard process of this, and trying to find the strength to leave. It is very emotionally draining. I just want to say to everybody that if you ever get the slightest hint that someone is abusing you in any way run as soon as you get the hint. Don’t wait until it’s to late.

Abuse is something that catches you off guard and swallows you up. Something very difficult to get yourself out of, and very difficult to get over. I beat myself up everyday for not realizing what was going on, and when I did realize it, I didn’t do anything about it.

Now it feels like my abuser has full control over me. It is something that I am in the process of trying to get over, I am trying to win me back. I get a little bit stronger everyday. I try not to dwell on things too much, or beat myself down to much. I just try to look ahead, and only focus on trying to get myself back.

Are you abused? Tell your story and Break The Silence and download this Safety Plan.
Did you leave an abusive relationship? Tell us how you did it at How I Left Abuse.
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Comments

  1. Jocelyn says:

    Casey – I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE!! I am an educated, professional from a good family. I have fallen for this EXACT same mental abuse circle. It is is not as simple as some would believe – you get this!

    STOP beating yourself up! You are a good, humble person who takes responsibility for yourself and your children. Their father is NOT accountable. You have to protect your children. You are setting an example that they will follow. This is exactly why you MUST get out. You are in DANGER. Show your children what self respect looks like. Trust me – mine thank me now. We are alive because I got up off the floor and got out. It took years for me not to doubt my choice. That’s normal after what an abuse survivor goes through.

    Please reach out to people in your family, friends, counselors, church members. Plan an escape and put things in place so that you won’t be able to go back. Verbal/mental/emotionsl abuse is like a parasite on your heart and mind that has you second guess yourself. Don’t let it win. If you cannot do it for you right now, do it for your kids. It might take you a long time to get better – don’t worry about how long it takes – get counseling and get through it.

    Even at your weakest, you are still strong enough to do this, Casey. It isn’t going to get better. I have the scars to prove it.

    Praying for you!

    • Thank you so much! I have been going through a very hard time….I cant help but beat myself up because i let it go on for so long after finding out. I blocked it out of my mind, because i didnt know how to deal with it. When the abuse started to get worse, and I started seeing the true dangers of it is when i decided that i had to do something. I am still unable to wrap my mind around it, but I still know I must move on. Here lately i have been really beating myself up because i have tried leaving several times, and failed. The last time that I tried leaving him was horrible. It was like a fight in my head between my innerself telling me what to do, and the thoughts and feelings that he implanted in my mind. I guess what he has brainwashed into me is stronger than I am. Even though i try to not let it be. I felt like a big failure. I really let myself down… I had the chance to get out of here, and I didnt take it because i was overwhelmed with fear of the unknown. I didnt want to stay, I didnt feel like i had the stregnth to leave and stay gone. All i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never move. I probably would have if I didnt have my children. They are what keeps me going. I’m going to try to not let it bring me down that i failed this time, and just try harder the next.

      • Kellie Jo Holly says:

        Casey, I was thinking of you when I wrote today’s blog post. That mp3 I mentioned on the email is available here. Despite how it feels, you are stronger than his brainwashing. Soon, you will find that out for yourself.

      • Thanks so much Kellie… I took a look at the information, but i couldnt listen to the audio yet.. I am never alone long enough to…But it is def. something i will do when you get the chance.. and i can see how you thought of me while writing this because it is exactly what i need!

  2. I know we’re complete strangers, but I’m SO proud of you. Courage isn’t staying; courage is leaving.

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