He knows what he is doing. There is no empathy for “fucking whores” & he redirects my pain to the business of being married. Insurance & meaningless emails.
I called the Sheriff’s department and spoke with the person in charge of domestic violence cases. I wanted to find out as much as I could about the process that occurs after calling the police to a domestic disturbance. Knowing what could happen if you call the police can give you the courage to actually call them if you need them.
Marriage counseling is designed for couples who have a failure in communication or emotional connection. Abuse is NOT a communication failure, nor is it lacking an emotional connection. Abuse twists up love into an unrecognizable mass that both people mistakenly still call love. Abuse is not love, and abuse does not allow a relationship to heal.
Find “the right” counselor. You get to decide who is the right counselor, no one else. If you don’t feel comfortable with a therapist after three visits, continue counseling but start looking for a better match. There are different kinds of therapies available to you. I recommend one that deals with the here and now and answers questions like “What can I do today to better handle the abuse I’m experiencing?
If you press charges and go to court and your military spouse is found guilty, you’ll receive counseling and other services and the soldier will most likely receive a Dishonorable Discharge. If the soldier is found guilty of domestic violence in court, victims of domestic violence qualify for Transitional Compensation (Financial). In my case, that would have been $1600/month for three years. The idea seems to be that a Dishonorable Discharge will severely impact the soldiers ability to gain profitable employment, and help for the soldier’s family is necessary.
Abusers, when you think about it, are truly ridiculous people. Everything they saw we are, they are. Abusers project their worst fears about themselves onto us and then hate us for representing their fear. Support groups help you see this and can give back your sense of humor.
This outreach benefits me every day. I no longer feel alone or voiceless. Because of reaching out on my blog, I found the courage to locate domestic violence organizations in my local area for face to face help. Groups and counselors who know about domestic abuse are invaluable to recovery (and simply getting through the day if you live with your abuser).
Hope is wonderful when you wish for it not to rain on a picnic. Hope is grand for tossing the dice. Hope does not work when you want to end domestic abuse.
Therefore, I am finding that I am an emotional chameleon. I must learn to turn off my emotions and the thought train they trigger when I recognize abuse to protect myself and begin “observation mode”. This is not going to work for the long haul. I do not want to live my life connecting and disconnecting from the one I married. But for now and until I leave or he knocks off the abuse, it will have to work.
She has been wonderful! I’ve been to her three times, and each time she was able to point out a valuable issue for me to examine. Issues that are MINE, not his. She’s teaching me to think about myself, what I want, what I see for myself in the future. The last meeting, she asked me if I wanted to stay or leave. I told her that I THOUGHT I wanted to leave, but I was wavering. She said the most relieving thing ever, she said, “It’s okay. You’re not ready. You can decide at any time, you’re just not ready yet.”