At the time of writing the following email, I’d decided to stay and try to work it out with my ex. I’m giving him a huge benefit of the doubt by promising him that I will stay in the marriage and wait for his return from deployment at our home as usual. I’d confronted him about his use of verbal abuse, and he wavered back and forth between caring and not caring about my concerns. In hindsight, he did not care at all. He pretended to care so I wouldn’t leave the marriage while he was deployed.

During his deployment, Will called often. The morning of this email, we’d gotten into an argument on the phone. He called back after I hung up on his yelling ass, and we tried to discuss what caused the argument. The second conversation also went south when he re-started calling military women “fucking whores” and segued into calling me a “fucking whore”.

After hanging up on him again, I sent him an email describing what he already knew – what we’d discussed times before. I’d described my military rape to him and asked him to not call me a “fucking whore” more than once, but during our second conversation of the morning, he acted as if I’d never told him word one. He tried to accuse me, a “fucking whore” of cheating on him WITH MY RAPIST.

At this point in my relationship, I understood SOME things about abuse. but I did not know I was wasting my time writing this email, wasting my time explaining myself to him. By writing the email, I am hoping that he “gets it” this time because he’s promised to work with me, but that’s not going to happen.

There is absolutely no give and take in this reconciliation attempt. It’s merely me apologizing and explaining myself…again. Here’s the email and his response:As you’ll see by his response, he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He promises to stop using the phrase “fucking whores” in my presence and says he is sorry for bringing up “old” emotions. He didn’t acknowledge any of my experience, sincerely apologize, or tell me why he became upset on the phone. (Hint: he probably wasn’t upset at all but wanted to regain control of the conversation through abusing me.)

Subject: Let’s fix this

2 messages
Kellie Helget <******@gmail.com> Mon, Nov 16, 2009 at 10:32 AM
To: His Name <****@us.army.mil>

First, let me address the “sticking point” as I saw it. I think I heard you say that I expect you to separate yourself from your experiences in the military, that I expect you to “not be” a soldier, to not be you, specifically when you’re talking to me.

If that’s what you thought, I’m sorry, that’ s not what I was trying to say. I’m asking you not to say “fucking whores” to me.

You are not alone in your experiences of injustice in the military; I experienced them first-hand too. Kiefer raped me within the first 3 days after arriving in Germany. I know he put something into my drink. I remember having one beer, then I remember being carried part of the way back to base, put down and stumbling through the gate. Then I remember waking up while he was fucking me, saying, “No no no” and falling back into a haze. I remember waking up in the morning. That’s it. You and I weren’t even together yet.

When you call me a “fucking whore” in reference to my past, hell yeah, it hurts. And hell yeah, all the other times you called me that before today stick with me. Even without the other injustices I experienced in the military, YOUR words hurt me now – not only in my memory.

Other injustices? Like when a male soldier said, “Tell the truth, First Sergeant – she got promoted because of her tits, didn’t she?” (instead of acknowledging my valedictorian status entitled me to the promotion), or guys hitting on me all the time and telling everyone they’d slept with me when they hadn’t (like when your best friend told you I’d invited him to my room), or Sergeant Valley trying to get me to “watch movies” and then you and my first sergeant ripping control of that sexual harassment situation out of my hands, … those are on the tip of my tongue and I haven’t even started thinking about them yet! Hell yeah, that shit sticks in my mind.

When you refer to those military women of whom you only know half the story as “fucking whores”, yes, I take offense. I wish you wouldn’t be so quick to jump to those words. By asking you to stop saying them, I am not trying to take away your experience as a soldier, I’m not asking you to be “someone else” to make me happy.

I’m asking you to stop saying “fucking whores” to me.

I’m sorry I yelled, but I’m not sorry that I cried. I am sorry if I haven’t been clear enough about what “fucking whores” means to me, or if you never before thought that “fucking whores” may be an inappropriate thing to say. As you want (and deserve) for me to honor you as a whole, I want and deserve the same for myself from you.

Love,
Kellie

HIS NAME SFC USA USASOC <******@us.army.mil> Mon, Nov 16, 2009 at 10:16 PM
To: Kellie <******@gmail.com>

I’m sorry for stirring up all those old emotions and I will stop using that phrase when I’m talking to you. I will let you know if I get anything about TricareOnline. Let me know your thoughts on the e-mails between me and [our oldest son] please.

See? Nothing is his response. He gives me nothing.

Explaining yourself to an abusive person does not work.

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Help with domestic abuse takes many forms. My goal for each of you who reaches out to Verbal Abuse Journals is to help you find the courage to reach out to real people in your community who can help you better than I can from afar.

I felt very intimidated when I learned that “true help” required face-to-face consultations! I had to tell my truth to a “real” person…the thought of it scared me. I went through a period of feeling so embarrassed about my husband’s behavior (and my behavior) that I didn’t want to tell my closest friends or family the whole truth. Telling a stranger online helped me build up my support network and to eventually tell my truth to the ones who love me the most and to strangers who could help me.

Practicing telling the truth online, semi-anonymously, helped me develop the courage to reach out to domestic violence groups, counselors, and the police. It helped me to get real with my family and friends, too. I felt the grip of abuse loosen and felt myself come back to life.

We mentors at Verbal Abuse Journals would love to be among your first steps away from abuse. Please contact me through the form above, and I will match your case with a great mentor. Help with domestic abuse is only a click away.

The blog that opened four thousand women’s eyes,

My Abusive Marriage…and what i’m doing in it

is now a book!

Read this book…you’ll think I married your husband.

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Now available in paperback or ebook

Abuse in Marriage Has Tell-tale Signs

• Has the real you disappeared?
• Is there a problem in your relationship but you can’t put your finger on its cause?
• Have you tried fixing yourself, thinking that if you could be a better wife then the problems would go away?
• Do you find yourself doing and saying things to your partner that you wish you could take back?
• Do you wonder if you abuse your husband or your children?

If you ask those questions…

…then chances are you are not an abuser, but the victim of abuse in your marriage. You care if you hurt someone else, but it seems like your partner does not care one bit about your feelings.

Perhaps you are at the end of your rope as Kellie Jo Holly felt when she began the blog at the heart of this book. What can you do to fix things? What works and what doesn’t work? You don’t want to leave your marriage any more than Kellie did, but you just can’t take the craziness anymore.

Let Kellie’s example lead you through the fog to a clearer, more loving relationship with yourself (and maybe your husband). Deciding to leave your marriage is heartbreaking and sometimes too much to bear. Being honest with yourself is the first step. Take Kellie’s hand, walk together, then decide.

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Kellie didn’t define her marriage as abusive. She told herself that if she could be someone her husband could respect, then their problems would be solved.

• She worked on overcoming Depression and the effects of rape.
• She observed the women her husband loved and tried to emulate them.
• She read many self-help books for herself and for couples.
• She forgave her husband’s indiscretions, outbursts of temper, and nastiness.

But nothing worked. Her husband’s temper continued to flare over minor issues and she could not understand what was so “wrong” with her.

Then one day, Kellie ran across a book by Patricia Evans that opened her eyes. For the first time, Kellie clearly saw that what was wrong in her relationship had nothing to do with her personal issues, but everything to do with her husband’s abusive nature. She was abused. She didn’t want to believe it, but something had to be done.

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