I just stopped myself from doing something manipulative after seeing a youtube interview with Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. For almost a year and a half now, I’ve tried to prove to my husband that he is, in fact, […]
Will and I were unhappily married and I once mistakenly blamed him for every one of our missteps and evils. Although I thought I was trying to make him happy, I was really trying to make him happy so he could make me happy. When I failed, I wanted to run far and fast. I […]
I will be doing a lot of work in the realm of codependency, as well as finding solutions to dealing with my husband’s abusive techniques. It takes two participants to play this sick game we’ve got going on in my home. What will happen when I simply stop playing?
The little kid in me wants to shout, “It’s not fair!” and run away fast and hard. I want to put all the blame on HIM. I want HIM to be the big bad wolf and leave me to be the little pig who had the foresight to build a brick house, light the fire, put on the pot, and plop on the lid when Big Bad finally falls down the chimney.
I must stop wishing him to “feel the way I feel” because in order for him to feel like me, I have to act like him. I don’t care if he feels like me or not. I feel like me, and that is becoming enough.
The problem is that at this point, I’m so angry that this has gone on so long, I’m not sure I even WANT to TRY Dr. Elgin’s techniques. I’m tired. No, exhausted. It pisses me off that I haven’t figured these things out for myself, and it pisses me off that I have to be the one to implement a new strategy. It pisses me off that he takes no responsibility for fixing anything!
Today, March 5, 2015, I reread this old post and saw it for what it was: I denied that I hurt because I lived n a horrible marriage with a horrible man who loved to turn my head around on me. He used me to distract myself from the shit he did. The shit he did was control, manipulate and abuse me and our boys.