What I didn’t understand at the time was that if Will wanted to lash out at me, it did not matter what I said or did or how I said or did it. The purpose of yelling at me, accusing me of lying, telling me I was a horrid mother, insisting I was cheating and all the rest was to keep me off balance. To keep me confused. To keep me explaining myself to him so he did not have to explain himself to me.
He knows what he is doing. There is no empathy for “fucking whores” & he redirects my pain to the business of being married. Insurance & meaningless emails.
Types of verbal abuse range from full on anger to forgetting on purpose. Even the silent treatment is a type of verbal abuse! Verbal abusers use several other sneaky tactics to abuse and control their victims, too. Recognizing the types of verbal abuse is the first step to overcoming its effects and regaining your mental health.
Blame causes the victim to believe the abuse is their fault. The abuser claims, “You made me do that!” and “I wouldn’t lose my temper if you …!” Don’t believe it. If you were powerful enough to “make” them yell at you, then why aren’t you powerful enough to “make” them be nice to you?
Therefore, I am finding that I am an emotional chameleon. I must learn to turn off my emotions and the thought train they trigger when I recognize abuse to protect myself and begin “observation mode”. This is not going to work for the long haul. I do not want to live my life connecting and disconnecting from the one I married. But for now and until I leave or he knocks off the abuse, it will have to work.
“I Cannot Control You” is the missing key for people setting boundaries in abusive relationships. I cannot control you, but I can control me. So if you are acting like a jerk, I get to decide if I’m going to stay around you while you act that way…or not. Boundaries for abusive relationships help you keep the sanity you still have.
Accusing and blaming helps abusers take the focus off of what they’re doing and put it onto their victim. If your abuser can convincingly accuse you of “starting this whole thing” or blame you for their actions, then you’re likely to consider their viewpoint. You love your abuser, right? It’s only natural that you would […]
How did I become a victim? Yesterday my friend and I hit upon one answer. Or rather, one question that is actually RELEVANT to “How did I get here?”
I want him to take responsibility for our problems as he expects me to do & expects as much of himself as he expects of me. I want equality in our marriage. However, I tend to agree with Kera who commented, “His response to your marriage counseling hardly seemed like he’s going to become a better person in the future.”