November 30, 2008
I don’t want to write tonight. I made a mistake. I slapped Marc out of frustration.
Eddie told me that earlier today he had told his brother to pull up his pants. His brother leaned over him, got in his face, and hissed, “You can’t fuckin’ tell me what to do!”
I called Marc in and asked him if what Eddie said was true.
“No. That didn’t happen,” he said. Then he glared at his brother. I could tell Marc was lying even before I noticed the glare. I called him on it. Marc got belligerent. I was telling Marc that what he did was threatening behavior and now he was telling his little brother that “It never happened” and glaring at him threateningly.
I told Marc that there was no difference in what he did to his brother and what Will did to him the night he threw the cell phone on his chest. Marc said that was bull – what he did to Eddie was NOTHING like what his dad had done to him. “Dad was wasted and he THREW the phone at me!” he said.
I told him that it didn’t matter that dad was drinking and he hadn’t been. I got up in his face, real close, and said, “when someone gets this close to you and says things in that tone of voice, it’s threatening!” I was trying to prove a point by getting into his space that way.
He said, “That’s not threatening because I’m not scared of you!”
That’s when I slapped him. I slapped him because he was denying what he was doing and had done. He was exhibiting abusive behavior, and he wouldn’t admit to it. Most of all, I slapped him because he was trying to use those tactics on me.
I was wrong. I never should have slapped/hit him at all. I guess it’s like I told him later, that I just cannot accept it from HIM. Of all people. If Marc does that to me now, it’s worse than Will doing it. Marc is my heart and soul. I can’t let him treat me like his father has. I can’t, and knowing that I can’t makes me afraid that I’ll have to leave him behind at some point too.
Later, when I went back to talk to him, I told him that I was sorry for slapping him and that I had lost control of myself. He hadn’t “made” me do it any more than his little brother had “made” him act threateningly. Marc and I both chose to do what we did. We are both wrong.
I told Marc that threatening behavior was a means of control. That any time someone used their size, position or a weapon to intimidate or scare someone else, then it was threatening behavior and inappropriate (unless you’re in a self-defense type of situation). I didn’t want to make him feel threatened when I got in his face, I wanted to give him an example.
I didn’t hit him because I want him to be afraid, I hit him because I lost control of myself. I told him that I was sorry. “Losing control” is not an excuse, and it is something I need to fix.
I said that he had done a few thing during the conversation that reminded me of his father’s behavior. I said that when he glared at his little brother while lying to me, said “I wasn’t threatening him” and told me and his brother that “It didn’t happen,” that he was using controlling behaviors. His brother didn’t deserve it and I didn’t deserve it.
I told him that both of his parents have set bad examples for him to follow. Now that he was growing into a man, he seemed to be naturally patterning himself off of his dad. I had been crying before I sat back down with him, so my eyes were red and my nose was running. I asked him to imagine that this table was his table, this house was his house. I asked, “Do you want to sit across from your wife at your table and see her in tears like this? If you don’t, then you had better change course and get your shit together.”
He didn’t say anything as I left him there. Later, he went to his little brother and hugged him. He apologized. I hope I got through.