November 5, 2005
This is not looking good. Is Will cheating or thinking about it? I used to confuse “beer” with “other women” … Perhaps the old demons are resurfacing.
Starting: Deception, Disappointment, Despair. Will and I began when both our hearts were broken. I’d been (very recently) raped by a soldier, his parents divorced. Or maybe this is where we are now.
We were both disappointed and felt deceived. I would never be who he imagined and he would never be who I’d imagined. But the blinders were lifting and neither one of us were happy.
Fears to Face: Stability, Power, Protection; Immaturity, Confusion to who the enemies are. We were both alone, young, and fighting against ourselves. Now, I fear his temper, but I don’t know what he fears or if he fears any authority at all.
The enemy was abuse; we thought it was each other.
Find Comfort Here: Change of Place, Success, Voyage. I kept thinking that the next “place” would be better, a fresh start. Yet we both seem happier when Will is deployed – when we’re apart. Maybe I’ll find comfort in some sort of personal success?
No, I found comfort on my own, after I left.
The Unexpected: Skill, Diplomacy, Sickness, Pain, Loss, Disgrace. I guess this is still to come. Well, except that I am in pain right now.
Separation. Humiliation. Custody to HIM. Divorce. Eventually the boys came to be with me, but the pain until that happened was indescribable.
What I’ll Learn: Wisdom, Circumspection, Sacrifice, Intuition, Prophecy. YAY! to everything but the sacrifice part. We do sacrifice material possessions to be a one-income family, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue, really. What am I sacrificing? What will I sacrifice?
I sacrificed security, but gained intuition & wisdom. I made the right choice. It was time to leave.
Outcome: Man deserting cups of his happiness. Maybe Will is going to stop drinking. Or maybe he’s going to leave his family…leave me, leave the boys. Outcomes can change, so if I can change one thing, this outcome may not occur. What happiness would we leave together?
We had no happiness together after he returned from this deployment. I realized he abused me and he couldn’t stand it. I left after he put his hands on me in 2010.