Perhaps this is another clue as to why I stayed married to Will for so long. If the statements toward the end are true, then I caused my own Depression in an effort to make Will care for me.
On the flip side, perhaps I stayed in the marriage because I misinterpreted his anger for passion. Or maybe they both played a part in our super-strong, super unhealthy attachment.
The abandonment issue makes sense to some degree, but it wasn’t as horrid as this entry makes it sound. I don’t remember feeling lonely (like my boys do). If you read through it, leave your comments at the end, please. This is something I haven’t figured out yet.
December 6, 2005
[Working with Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back by Gail Saltz.]
I’ve been praying to get to the bottom of the problem, and I think I am unraveling “my story”. It seems to start around the time I was faking stomach aches in 3rd grade. I saw a shrink after no medical condition was found.
I remember my mom telling me what the shrink thought. I though I should love living with my grandparents, but I really wanted to be with my mom and dad. The stress was causing stomach upset (psychosomatic). At the time, I couldn’t say that my stomach didn’t really hurt. All I knew was that SOMETHING was wrong, and I didn’t want to go to school.
I remember getting a lot of attention from this episode from Meme. After I thought I’d reached a dead-end with the faking, I resumed going to school. Making my mom worry (and setting myself up for failure) gave me the attention I craved.
Of course, at the time, I only thought about getting her attention. I wasn’t concerned with missing school, keeping up a lie, or the emotional stress it caused me. I simply couldn’t articulate what I NEEDED. As a child, I did the next best thing and found a way to get what I needed even though I couldn’t SAY what it was.
In fact, “attention” from Meme is the same as “worry” from Meme. I “learned” that there had to be something wrong with me before my mom gave me the attention I craved. So, in a way, perhaps it is an “abandonment” issue – if I had to cause a stir to get attention, then maybe I felt that to be loved, I needed a problem.
Meme came out of her Depression when she worried about me. I had the power to bring her back to life (make her alive) through her worry/fear for me.
That’s a lot of power, isn’t it? Destructing myself gives reason and life to other people I love. Even though I’m hurting myself, I gain power over the ones I love.
Now, how exactly can that really be true? Is the false power I gain worth the pain I’ve endured? No.
If anything, the destruction/power balance each other leaving me exactly where I was with the addition of a “track record” for failure in the things I try to accomplish.
Am I squashing myself for the “rush” of excitement over seeing someone’s love for me in an exaggerated form?
Is this another psycho babble moment? Feeling unworthy of love by just being me?
Read My Abusive Marriage…and what i’m doing in it…you’ll think I married your husband.