December 16, 2005
Bored, but causing conflict then trying to hide it then revealing it at crisis point then blaming Will for not knowing what’s going on when in fact it’s my responsibility for not telling him in the first place that I was bored.
[This is what Will tells me I do. In reality, I am trying to talk to him when I think he will be receptive. Biding my time for the right moment and walking on eggshells until it appears.]
Making excitement for myself by creating conflict, living with it and then revealing it in my own time – when I can’t handle the stress alone anymore. Maybe I am a drama queen.
[The excitement I made was in interrupting Will's intentional withdrawal, his silence. He was punishing me for something by ignoring me. I tried to reach out to him and caught a mouthful of foul rage for daring to intrude on his "lesson".]
Nothing I can ever do will be “good enough.” [The first thought of my own in this entry.]
Why is that? [Good question. Too bad I didn't try to answer it. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for Will because he doesn't want me to succeed on my own. He wants to control my every move, and to him, a mere woman is not more successful than her man.]
Is this another psycho babble moment? Feeling unworthy of love by just being me?
Read My Abusive Marriage…and what i’m doing in it…you’ll think I married your husband.