Underneath the personal accomplishment of attending college there is a pulsing vein of anger toward my husband. He is not cooperating at all with my new schedule. I have the sense he wants to make me fail my courses and fail at keeping up my end of the ‘wife-mom-first’ bargain.
Add to the frustration the verbal slams and emotional abuse and you get one angry mama. Yet I couldn’t understand why I was angry because this kind of crap happened continuously during our marriage. For a decade now, I’ve been abused and diminished. His mind is in my mind, and in my mind, I have “no reason to be angry.”
April 6, 2001
Yesterday I did 45 minute study sessions with 15 minute “get up and pick up” breaks. I got a lot accomplished! I am going to do it again today to finish studying for biology and cleaning up my zone.
Family Fun will include playing the boys’ game (duck duck goose) and planting flowers.
“Courage to Change” reminded me of my anger and guilt outbreaks. I feel overwhelmed by anger more than guilt, but doesn’t guilt usually follow anger? Maybe…no, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m so angry.
Today’s emphasis is family values. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I want to make sure my kids are optimistic.