My anxiety caused visions of my children dying or dead. They were horrible! Eventually I learned to “rewind them”. After they flashed in my mind, I rewind them and give them a different ending. It helps.

April 7, 1999

Living everyday knowing the end will come without dreading or hiding away takes courage. In this life we are faced with the challenge of getting out of bed every day, not knowing if this is the last day.

I guess I am cycling downward again. This struggle seems never-ending. Visions of horrors I cannot make real by writing them out play in my mind over and over…

God, please reveal these pictures for what they are – fears of losing my family. Too much to bear sometimes. What am I supposed to do? Any answer would help. How do I live in times like these? How do I learn to live?

I want to share my life, but I keep everyone at a distance. I feel like there is something more to it that I just don’t get.

I should not be afraid. I need to pray to strengthen God’s course for me, and God will let me know what is to be done.

Please don’t let me overshadow God’s will, because I know that when I follow God’s will, my life and my family’s life will fall into place neatly and strong in his love. My goal for tonight and tomorrow is to follow his will.

Lord, help me do what it is you ask – Lord, help me to understand what it is you ask. Amen