My fears from 1998 validate my abusive experience. Abuse victims try to please their abuser, and in so doing, we forget to live our own lives and keep our personal boundaries strong. The abuser’s goals become our goals, and because we don’t realize their wishes infiltrated our thinking, or that the goals we set do not fit our life purpose.
Our personal goals become unreachable because they’re someone else’s vision of us and we don’t realize it. We fail and fail and fail.
If we do set goals for ourselves that match our life’s purpose, the abuser does everything s/he can to disrupt our progress. When we follow our life purpose, we show the abuser that we are NOT what they want us to be and they react abusively to put us back in line.
All of it taken together results in the feeling that we’re drifting, purposeless, and eventually, worthless.
April 26, 1998
Angel said, “Write what you fear from yourself that keeps you back. Write of why you fear.”
Afraid of. What am I afraid of?
Disappointing myself. But I do not have a base line to judge myself against, so how can I disappoint myself?
In regard to art, I’m disappointing myself because:
- it looks juvenile
- it’s not drawn correctly
- it doesn’t fit page the way I expected
- it’s too bright and primary
- it’s not interesting
- I don’t let enough of myself drain into the picture
Am I afraid to put myself in the picture because if my painting is disliked, then I am disliked?
Is being disliked a childhood fear? I know I have certainly been told by enough people not to care what anyone else things. Yet I guess I do. I am always trying to please another, or hope to portray the “correct” image.
What image is ME? I don’t know exactly. And am I happy with it? If not, how can I be contented with myself? Do I need to change me now to fit who I am to become? Who do I want to become?
What are my goals and hopes for myself? Why am I drifting? I have no direction for the future. What might I like to do when Marc starts school? What about when they’re both in school? That’s a lot of free time – and what do I do now to prepare for being on my own?
It is time to find out who I am NOW and quit reaching for why I am like I am now.
All that really matters is who I become – what do I want for myself? That question is a scary one. Examining myself and actually finding out where I want to go.
Good. This was good.
- I fear because I don’t have any expectations or goals for myself.
- I fear that I’ll be this same confused person, drifting toward WHAT in years from now.
- I fear setting goals.
- I fear failure because I don’t know what is expected of me.
It’s an endless circle unless I stop it.