I budgeted, invested, paid bills, shopped, and had complete access to our joint bank accounts. Will didn’t want anything to do with the money unless he felt a need to berate my “stupid decisions”. I spent hours with my angry, explosive husband explaining
- our bills,
- why our credit balance kept climbing,
- our budget,
- and mostly, “Where did all the fuckin’ money go, Kellie?”
No answer satisfied him. Later on when I learned to do balance sheets and cash flow analysis and printed them straight from the computer, he accused me of switching the numbers. My work was useless because I understood a software program he didn’t.
He worked hard, but the money just wasn’t there like he thought it should be. He accused me of overspending and hiding it from him, “nickel and dime-ing us to death”, and generally wasting his hard-earned money. He hated that there was never enough money to buy extras (and so did I!).
Yet he didn’t want me to take a job or go to school (I had the GI Bill to pay for it) or do anything to help our family make ends meet. I eventually started my own business, but then he decided to start one, too.
I transferred all our credit debt onto my business card and then declared bankruptcy independent of him so we could have the clean slate he wanted for his towing company. I took the hit because we didn’t need my credit rating to be high (he said).
An angel gave me some advice one day when money weighed heavily on my mind. He reminded me that no “more capable” hands could free us, a gentle jab letting me know that Will couldn’t do any better. I suffered financial abuse during my marriage although I had complete access to the money. Strange.
August 2, 1998
An angel spoke to me about money. He said:
“Fret not. Fear and worry minimize your happiness. No amount of fear will make more money or spend less.
“No other ‘more capable’ hands can free you from this bondage. The Lord’s hands hold all you need. Your checkbook could be left at home. Carrying it is false security.
“Learn to lean on Jesus instead of false securities. He is the master of Living Rooms where darkness overflows. He is light for your blinded eyes and music for your deafened ears.
“Focus on purchases well made. How did you make them? Where did you buy them? Where did you start to see a downfall? Pick yourself up by remembering it can be done.
“Your goals are reachable with the Lord’s help. He trusts those who trust in Him. Empower your life with the grace of God’s love in all areas. Darkness will be lifted.”
Thank you for the encouragement.
“You are welcomed, my love.”