Eight months into the marriage, I still fight vehemently with Will about “who I am”. I see myself as ambitious and courageous, two traits that probably force me to rise to the challenge of changing my husband’s behavior. However, my self-esteem is weakening. I think this informal test highlights some of the reasons we stayed together despite the abuse and unhappiness.
January 17, 1993
- Reading all kinds of books; Very worried about this cramping (2 days now!)
- Would Will rather be alone than with me?
- We admitted we are both afraid that I’ll miscarry.
The rest of this entry is based on an informal personality color test, but I don’t remember the book it came from.
- I see myself as ambitious, energetic, courageous, extroverted.
- I feel good when I have fun and am adventurous and sensual.
- I bring myself into balance with energy from the earth and natural elements.
- Your best friends and associates can be executives, professionals, educators or philosophers.
- The man who makes the best partner is a therapist or practitioner in the health arts.
- My weaknesses show when I place myself in positions where I feel that others restrict or are insensitive to my feelings.
- My strongest motivating factors are participation in humanitarian ventures and projects, being charitable, acceptance of community-action roles.
- At the time you chose this color you were responding to yourself with some emotional fatigue.
- My feelings warn that I need more self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem.
- I am currently lovingly satisfied.
- I respond uncomfortably to restriction by authority.
- I feel strong and emotionally secure when I am creative, practical, and using my mind instead of my heart.
- I react strongly and positively to physical and emotional love, strongly and negatively to anger.
- I feel the happiest when I am positive in thought, action, and accomplishment.
I guess that most of those choices were right on. I don’t understand how a medical practitioner could be my best match right now unless it was to protect me and the baby. Like I said, I’m afraid I’ll miscarry. But the answer to that may lie in the idea that I need more self-worth, respect and esteem. I just have to believe that I am capable of carrying a healthy baby to term.
And yes, I am emotionally drained.
I’ve written enough. I’m going to analyze Will!!