Jessica’s Signs of Being Abused
When I went to a nursing class and it was time to practice taking each others’ blood pressure. I couldn’t because my upper arms were black and purple, I was embarrassed, but I was also empowered because I knew his earlier visit to interrupt me in class was a cheap shot at trying to steal some of the self-esteem that completing the class would give me.
Jessica’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Worthlessness, Confusion, Paranoia
Jessica’s Story of Abuse
I am a woman. I am a mother. I am beautiful, and I’m being abused.
I have a joyful spirit the kind that attracts much attention from all walks of life. I used to be credited with a “glow,” a “special something.” I look in the mirror and see eyes that are coming back to life, but only after I’ve begun TAKING CARE OF MYSELF! Once upon a time my eyes were so gray I thought I was the living dead, I literally thought I was in hell because I knew I died somewhere along the way and this life, this unbelievable life I was living was just a dream. How could it be real??? How?
It has taken the loss of a lot of God-given gifts for me to realize taking that first step won’t be easy but IT MUST BE DONE! I took that first step in 2009 when I called the Domestic Violence Hotline, and thePolice, and numerous church members, what came of it was harsher treatment by him. The police are a joke to me, they help, but they also make you feel worse than your abuser sometimes.
We had an amazing dog we rescued, another failed attempt at him trying to reclaim a part of his youth that was ripped from him in his abusive home. Unfortunately, in a fight our precious pup was hurt by him. The next opportunity I got I took her back to the shelter.
My innocence was being threatened because I hadn’t realized I WAS ALLOWING IT. He was not going to harm the innocence of a helpless, trusting animal. Secretly knowing my power is not derived from my husband, but from God, and that is something that HE CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY gave me the courage to return my only friend to the shelter.
I cried out to him mainly, pleading out of love, and understanding to STOP the hurt. “PLEASE, IT HURTS, You’re scaring me, this isn’t you, don’t give in to the demons PLEASE!” It never helped, he continued to tell me the evilest words.
It would dumbfound me how any human could come up with such a combination of evil words…like:“I’m going to drag you out in the street by your hair, and dip your head in battery acid,” or questioning if our unborn child was his, then proceeding to drop a suitcase on my head, slam my back on the stair railing ripping my clothes off as I tried to escape, as he held me on the couch with a knife to my throat and hair pulled back telling me how he was going to kill me.
The night we got home from the hospital with our 2 day old baby he wouldn’t let me hold her. You see he saw what a powerful being it took to carry and have a child. He witnessed it all and knew he had to “reclaim” his control or he’d lose it.
Well that night as he held my baby from me he told me “look at yourself, you’re a dirty mess, you can’t even control your own emotions, your psychotic, if you ever try to leave me I’ll tell everyone how crazy you are, and you won’t get her. You really think they let crazy people like you have children, you can’t even take care of her without crying!”
Only when the baby needed to be fed did I get to hold her. I held her in front of visitors, but was always told even in front of visitors he never gets to hold her. My mom was staying with us, and I had visitors coming and going, and every moment I made sure to keep my mouth SHUT so I didn’t lose my daughter.
That was when he broke my spirit, it ALMOST worked. it ALMOST worked again when he punched me in the painful epidural spot in my back, that continues to have never healed correctly.
It was in 2009 I was pulled from a car and had my body slammed on the cold black asphalt of a parking lot adjacent to a hospital, the same night called a “stupid motherfucker” close to 100 times. I counted.
His goal was to insult my intelligence, and womanhood. Really, what’s more lethal than a smart, beautiful, classy lady? This abuse took place that night because I mentioned a gentleman I saw while we were getting gelato looked like another physician I worked with. That’s all. Just like saying “hey that dude over there looks like John Tesh.” It was always the most innocent comment, but I had noticed another male, and in this marriage that means I’m a “slut, a whore, a cunt, and dirty bitch.”
Well just to let you know I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS!!! (and neither are you)
Fast forward to now, 2011. Now we are at the point where I have sacrificed for him, and his career, I have moved 3 times in almost 3 years for our “livelihood,” and now with a growing child and knowing that YES I AM SOLELY RESPONSIBLE for all decisions in OUR BEST INTEREST, and anything resulting from that. I AM MOVING ON.
I tried leaving the other night after he raged on me and told me if he was as evil as me he’d gut me, again I’m the evil one, I’m always at fault. Well he left to cool off as usual, and I tried to go, no money, and no car held me back a bit.
I had a friend that was trying to help but I didn’t get out that night, and he returned to seeing the bags by the door, and me dressed. Immediately he began crying and attempted to jump off the balcony proclaiming his life is not worth living without us, and he loves us so much. I didn’t let him jump, but questioned his “love.” Saying simply, you don’t love someone by hurting them, and walked away.
Now I have another opportunity, and with a bit of better planning, money, and transportation for a moment, am going to take it.
With the encouragement of an honest and good friend, and the renewed sense of self I get through talking to my Lord on a momentary basis, I’m no longer a young wildflower, but a refined rose with a lil’ daisy in tow, and we’re gonna make this garden grow beautiful pruning it of all weeds, and nurture it. living life as it should be lived, all in God’s time.
Share Your Story of Abuse: Break Your Silence
Please share your comments below.