Video recorded for HealthyPlace.com and Verbal Abuse In Relationships Blog
Transcript
Hi! This is Kellie Jo Holly. I write the Verbal Abuse In Relationships blog over at healthyplace.com.
I’ve been out of my abusive relationship for about two years. It hasn’t been a cake walk, I won’t lie. The beginning was pretty difficult. But here I am, I’m sitting in my own peaceful kitchen surrounded by four cats who caused never-ending heartbreak back at the old place – with the old dude – that I was with.
I get to express my emotions without interference and without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I feel. Nobody tries to shut me up. Nobody tells me that my dreams are worthless.
Everybody in my life loves me. Everyone in my life encourages me.
There are no voices in my home that scare me. There are no sounds in this house that worry me.
I don’t jump. I don’t cry (for reasons I don’t understand anyway).
I am at peace.
I don’t have to explain what I do. I can go where I want to go. I am friends with who I want to be friends with and not friends with people I don’t want to be friends with!
I get to parent my children in the way that I see fit.
When I wake up in the morning, there’s no yelling. There is no storming around. There’s no doors slamming.
My house is peaceful. Just listen. …
Now when the kids get home after school, that’ll be different.
You could subscribe to my youtube channel here.
What is life without abuse like for you? Are you as happy as you hoped you would be? I love to hear from other people who successfully left their abusive relationships.
Please share your thoughts with me in the comments section.
It has been 4 years since my abuser went to jail, and I had decided FINALLY that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I have self esteem issues still. I apologize too much. I have trust issues. I still feel as though I should be walking on egg shells, even though I know I don’t have to.
Will that ever end? I feel like I drive my fiancee crazy with that stuff. My fiancee, is the absolute opposite of the abuser. Gentle, kind, loving. It has been hard to get used to, and it’s been 2 years that we have been together now.
Amy, I also feel like my past comes back to haunt me and my boyfriend (2 years together also). Everything will go along just fine, and then I’ll have an “episode”. Yesterday I put myself in a timeout because I was acting out. I “learned” the behavior as a coping method during my marriage. I would act out so my ex would act out so the tension could dissipate. It worked with him, but it has no place in a healthy relationship. Like your fiancee, my boyfriend is kind, loving and gentle. I hate hurting him, but that is the result from my outburst yesterday.
You and I must be kind to ourselves as we go through this readjustment period. I talk to my boyfriend, I apologize, I love. I find my “episodes” occur further and further apart. In time, I will be as I want to be and won’t need a timeout. You’ll be okay too. Hang in there.
Life after mental mind-screw/emotional/verbal abuse is sad and painful in the recovery period. It is also libersting in the sense that I get my mental freedom back. I’m no longer being pseudo-interrogated and behind-my-back investigated. I’m not being flat-out lied to my face. I’m not long-pausing as a preventative measure of saying the “wrong thing” that could be taken in an non-redeemably ugly way. My words are not being twisted to mean something totally different than what I said. My feelings and requests and likes and dislikes and hobbies and accomplishments aren’t being met with cold indifference. Nobody’s insinuating that they’re doing me a favor by spending time with me, or that it’s a chore to hear what I have to say. I get to pick where I want to go and enjoy my time out. I’m not looking at a pouty lip and hearing how unyielding I am because I won’t have sex on a 2nd date or change my religion. I don’t have to hear about a bunch of exes and their birthday parties. I’m not enduring a scene where my make-up is being thumbed off my face and my personal space is being invaded. I’m not being questioned as to who I’ve talked to or how I became friends with people. My family isn’t being conversationally disrespected. I’m not jumping through hoops to apologize for something, only to be badly treated as punishment to my apology. I’m not losing weight rapidly and losing sleep at night. I’m not praying day and night to be treated better and respectfully. I’m not hoping that an abuser will change and treat me well. I’m not working so hard to look good and be accepted only to be met by zero acknowledgement/compliment. I’m not having to constantly be passing tests that I didn’t even know we’re on the curriculum. I’m not being judged and misjudged left and right for everything I say and do. I’m not being mocked for setting boundaries and limits. I’m not being humiliated in public or private. I’mnot being belittled and patted on the head. I’m not hearing perverted comments and outbursts in my ears. I’m not being fiercely watched/observed my every move and dissected apart like an owl pellet. I’m not being told one minute that I’m “awesome” and the next minute devalued. I’m not hearing lame ecvused for bad behavior and lies. I’m not having to deal with these and so much more, now that it’s AFTER the abuse. It feels good not to.
When I was going through my divorce, Kelly Clarkson’s “I can breath again” had just been released. Up to this day, that song best describes the way I feel.
Hmmm…. I don’t have to walk on eggshells everyday wondering when the bomb would drop. Don’t have to deal with the disapproving looks, the sighs, the verbal slaps (oh my favorites!!!) I can make my own decisions without worrying about what will be said (or not said!) No more worrying! I can breathe!
I didnt leave, he did, 2 months ago. I spent a month wondering why, he didn’t say..well he did say “I need to be free, not to have responsibilities, or to consider anyone else because I can’t even consider myself right now, I have to do this. It will make me a better partner and father” HA!!!! Whatever.
What he didn’t count on was me ‘waking up’ . It took me a while to realis that he had been abusing me for…24year (since we were 16). I’m sure he blames me for the ‘end of us’. He posts crap on Facebook about ‘starting over’ or my favorite, a song by some group Airbourne toxic event about ‘changes’. You promised you’d change, you played head games, I’m still a gentleman (HA!) , blah blah. The thing is, he’s trying to hurt me but all it’s doing is pissing me off! The opposite effect to what he wants. I’m sure he thinks I’m just waiting on the shelf he’s placed me on until he’s decided life is too hard because he can’t find someone else to take his crap. He trys to make himself into some wounded creature,. Get off the damn cross!
Anyway, glad I don’t have to deal with his drama anylonger. Or his family’s (I should have known) And super glad our son doesn’t have to live in this crap anylonger. Have to help him deal with his father but he’s more mature at 15 than his dad, ANd he knows it, bless his heart, he said it. I’m 15 and I’m more mature.
Ahhhh…breatheing freely is nice!