I wrote up some boundaries today. The last sentences start, or rather end with, what I will do if my husband crosses a boundary I set. What I really wanted to write is “I’ll leave forever,” instead of “I’ll leave the room” as the action I take, but I’m not prepared to leave the relationship – I want to save my marriage if possible.
How to Set Boundaries | What Are Boundaries in Relationships?
I want to give this “verbal abuse idea” (as he derisively calls it) a chance. Maybe Will can eventually see the problem and maybe change how he treats me. After I separate from him (meaning, after I separate my self-worth from him), I’ll see what other boundaries I may need.
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When you narrow your eyes and interrupt me, I feel unheard and disconnected from the conversation. I want you to acknowledge my point of view. Since I am powerless over you, I will leave the room and the conversation temporarily until a later time when we can talk again.
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When you make derisive comments about characters on television or people we know who share my views partially or completely, I feel put down and attacked for holding those opinions. I want you to accept that I hold beliefs and opinions different from yours, and to stop subtly insulting my beliefs. Since I am powerless over you, I will ask if you made that comment because you don’t like my similar opinion. If you continue to make derisive comments, I will leave the room and find better company.
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When you tell me that I am wrong, lying, living in a fantasy world or unable to comprehend the real world, I feel belittled, defensive, hurt, and manipulated. I want you to hear my opinion and seriously consider the idea that even if I am not “right” I may not be entirely “wrong.” Since I am powerless over you, I will stop talking with you until I feel it’s safe for me to rejoin the conversation.
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When you expect me to go somewhere with you but do not listen to my reasons for not going or listen and then use my reasons as an excuse to tell me that I am “unappreciative,” ” unsupportive,” or worse, I feel pummeled, disregarded, and unimportant to you. I want you to listen to why I do not want to go because my reasons are valid, but not always unchangeable, and I am willing to discuss them. Since I am powerless over you, I will respect my own reasons and feelings about this situation and not go with you.
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For that matter, when you are mean and nasty to me and/or our boys in the car ride to a party, I will drop you off (if you prefer to stay) and the boys and I will go somewhere else. I will not come pick you up late at night from the bar you and your friends gravitated to; you can find your own way home if you choose to stay.
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When you walk through the house ordering us to do things so you can relax, I feel put upon and disrespected. I want you to respect the time and effort I put into cleaning house and picking up after us even when you don’t see it happening. Because I am powerless over you, I will remove myself from your presence and write down what is happening and being said to distract myself from my discomfort.
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When you subtly put me down or put down the boys in a way in which you can say ” I wasn’t talking about you” or ” I never said [fill in name here],” I feel that you are attempting to manipulate my intuition and a sense of right and wrong. I want you to tell me how you feel directly instead of trying to sneak it into my head in other ways.
Because I am powerless over you and cannot know what you mean, I will ask ” Are you talking about [name]?” If you continue to infer negative things about me or the boys without directly discussing your concerns, I will remove myself or them from your presence and find something more enjoyable to do.
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When you tell me that I’m a drama queen I feel like my opinions and observations are unimportant to you and I feel disconnected from you. I want you to stop telling me what I am acting like or who I am. Because I am powerless over you, I will remove myself from your presence and make a note of the exchange.
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When you tell me I am untrustworthy and disloyal and “trying to hide something” or that “something’s fishy,” and then will not discuss your reasons for feeling that way, I feel betrayed, upset, and hopeless. I want you give me reasons for why you feel this way and an opportunity to refute or admit to your suspicions. Because I am powerless over you, I will walk away if you continue to say these things without allowing discussion.