Let me say before I continue that I don’t pretend to be strictly a victim. I am not a perfect sister or daughter. Nor do I mean to suggest that my life is in danger, or put my situation in the exact same category as those above. But I will not be denied the right to hold them responsible for certain behaviors that have been unhealthy, hurtful, damaging, and in some ways devastating and debilitating — behaviors that they could’ve decided against, but didn’t.

From the time I was little, loud noises (ex: lawn mower, motorcycles, fireworks — or later on, yelling, sudden aggressive movements) have been very frightening/upsetting and damaging to my emotional well-being, yet whether intentionally or not, my family has ignored this and at times even used it against me.

I am also the smallest of stature in my family. A lot of the physical aspects of the hurtful behavior have died down since my mid-teens, largely, it seems, because I mostly caught up to my mother in size. However, I can say that my parents were excessive in their physical discipline — most often my mother, so there were no broken bones or trips to the ER. But I can recount several occasions as a child where my mom kept me home from school or swimming lessons because there were marks on my body, somewhere that showed. It hasn’t been unusual for my mother to slap me, often repeatedly, when she was angry — whether I was the cause or because I happened to say or do something that normally wouldn’t merit such a reaction, but while she was angry over something else. Both my parents had quick tempers and my father “ruled with an iron fist”; when he dealt with us when we misbehaved, he often underestimated his physical strength (or in anger, didn’t bother to restrain it). I remember being kicked in the head/buttocks/elsewhere on several occasions, being dragged by the arm, neck or ear — with a grip that left bruises — and shoved against the wall on many occasions, and general manhandling. The more major things have pretty much stopped since my mid-teens, but my father still threatens with his words and occasionally manhandles. He has been threatening to kick me out of the house (for whatever reason) since I was about seven years old, even going so far on occasion as to shove me out the front door and toss out some of my things after me.

The most harmful overall, however — although exacerbated by the physical things — have been the words and attitudes. Particularly among my siblings, there has been a continual mindset, which comes out clearly in interactions, of “Joy is weak”; “Joy is stupid”; “Joy is retarded”; “Joy doesn’t belong”; “Joy isn’t like the rest of us”; “Joy will never amount to much”; “Joy brings all her problems on herself”; “Joy is incompetent”; “Joy is awkward”; “Joy is embarrassing to be around”. Some of these things have been stated out loud, others frequently implied. I used to sit at the dinner table with my family and listen to my sisters bring up, analyze, and laugh at all the silly, awkward, or embarrassing things I had pretty much ever done, and generally criticize and insult me, with total disregard for my feelings — all with my parents sitting there, rarely saying a word. It felt like the attitude was, “It’s not too far until she cries” but if I ever showed myself even close to tears (which I never did if I could help it), then it was “Oh, she’s feeling sorry for herself” or “She’s being overly sensitive”.

This was almost every night — for years. They especially loved to break out their best lines in front of a group of strangers or their friends for their amusement, like shredding my self-esteem was some party trick. Some of this may seem like pretty normal sibling teasing, and some of it is, but a lot of it isn’t. And imagine hearing this kind of criticism about yourself continually, during some of the most impressionable years of your life.

The criticism made me feel hurt, angry and worthless; part of me believes it in spite of my efforts to convince myself otherwise. Yet to show any reaction or outburst (crying, yelling) that boils up inside me would seem to confirm the things that they say. Any attempt to defend myself or retaliate has been overwhelmed by sheer numbers and volume. The collective weight of it all has left me feeling unable to trust or make friends, making it even more difficult for me to find worth in myself as a person.

While all these things have lessened in the last couple of years, they have never been resolved, and I cannot tell you the devastation they have caused. And maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have other people’s experiences to compare to, for the most part. From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem like this happens in other people’s families. Having only one person that does this in your family, most people could probably deal with. When it’s your entire family and it’s continually directed at you — not so much.

But I’m not just here to tell a sob story. What I want to know is how I can deal with it. The details just seemed to come out.

I am almost 20 years old, live at home with my parents and two of my sisters, and while I have some money, am not in a financial position to move out. I am socially isolated, depressed, and feel generally powerless to change my situation. I haven’t told many people about it, much less in detail, and I don’t know who can help.

(I apologize for how long this is haha! It all just started coming out. I really hope I’m not offending anyone by posting this here.)

Thank you for reminding me many of the ways that I am SO much better off myself now, three years out of my abusive relationship.

My husband was physically and emotionally abused by his older brother (the physical was from 8 yrs to 19yrs) the emotional continues to this day (that is over 30yrs!). He was told that he was exaggerating, that is was just normal ‘boys will be boys’, or you don’t know what you’re talking about his intention isn’t to hurt you, just love him (that’s my fav, right there) He was neglected by his mother, never had a safe harbour at home. Finally at 38 he admitted to himself that what he experienced was real and it was abuse. When he looked for help most of the things he found were for women, the writings still helped but he felt alone and ashamed because he felt society was saying that it couldn’t have happened because he was male and/or it wasn’t in a same sex relationship. He found 2 articles about sibling abuse, they did help a bit because he didn’t feel so alone and crazy and finally felt some kind of validation. Other men had experienced this too!
Unfortunately, society (in general) does a HUGE dis-service to men in not allowing them to have a voice about this. Or encourage talking and feeling (other than the accepted feelings of either happy or angry, really think about that, we still do that to them, even in this enlightened day and age!)
It’s HUMAN RIGHTS, not just women’s right. We have to help and allow EVERYONE their voice, some understanding and healing!