My Abusive Marriage - One Story of Abuse

I read my old journals to convince myself that I did not live a story of abuse. But one journal entry after another showed evidence of abuse in my marriage. The abuse made me emotionally and mentally sick too. I yelled and hardly recognized my disoriented eyes in the mirror. My ex-husband and I hurt our children by playing out the cycle of abuse, utilizing the power and control wheel without either of us knowing what was really going on. I share my private journal entries about the abuse in my marriage with you because recognizing abuse is the first step to freeing yourself from it.



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Hindsight Can’t Help Me But Could Help You Understand Abuse

Hindsight shows me my mistakes in thinking. It shows me how my love for him blinded me. Maybe if you can see my hindsight before it happens to you, you’ll get OUT. I now understand that no choice he presented to me would end the abuse. I left the Army-abuse continued. Got pregnant-abuse continued. Doing as told=abuse.

What Does Living With Abuse Feel Like?

Living with abuse is horrible. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days before I knew I was abused when I thought I was a bad person or mentally ill. At least when I thought those things I had the power to fix my marriage by fixing myself. But now that I know […]

In Isolation

During my marriage, I lived in isolation. I knew people outside of my home and sometimes shared specific experiences concerning my ex-husband with them. But somehow, I managed to keep most of the pain and embarrassment concerning my family’s truths buried deep inside. So deeply were they buried that I was able to keep them […]

No Wishbones for Me

A facebook friend posted this quote: “Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.” Good advice. But I think my wishbone is coming back. Or maybe it just never left. I think I am foolish for wishing what I wish. My wish is the same as the day I started this blog: […]

Why Did I Stay in My Abusive Marriage?

That’s a good and a multi-faceted question. First off, did you notice how questions that begin with “why” tend to be accusatory? As if the questioner demands to know why you would do something other than what is best (in the questioner’s mind). But I do accuse myself of making poor decisions, of having made […]

What Was I Doing in the Missing Years?

And, honestly and more ominously, I want to prove him wrong. That is pointless, I know. He would diminish or counter everything I found relating to my timeline if I showed it as proof.

“You could write anything and no one would know whether it was the truth or a lie – you live in such a la-la land,” he says in my mind. Shut up. I’m doing it anyway.

I’d Rather Risk Losing Than Break His Heart

I decided to fight for custody through the legal system. Will has wanted to do a Consent Order in which he and I sit down together and hash out the details of our separation. Whereas this may be possible concerning our financial matters, I am not willing to do it for custody issues. I am, […]

Fix and Please

Quietone said that she remembers me saying my desire to “fix and please” plays a factor in the abuse. She is right. If I took down this site, it would be to please Will; the more I think on it, the more I realize that removing my blog is another way to erase me. If […]


Book Excerpt I’ve been told that I don’t admit my faults, that I am verbally abusive, that I am physically abusive. These are ideas I’ve struggled with myself. … More than once. Will says that I’m not honest because I do not tell the other side of the story; I do not tell of how I’ve […]

Murder Suicide

Book Excerpt Abusers kill their wives and then themselves because once she is finally dead and motionless on the floor, he realizes that the life spark was hers and hers alone. In killing her, he sought to absorb her; now that All is gone from her, he realizes he will never ever and had never […]