Escaping Abuse Is The Best Thing To Do BUT It’s Not Easy

Escaping abuse could be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

  • Getting out of an abusive relationship allows you to heal mentally and emotionally. There is no healing while living in abuse, only sustaining the mental health you have left (if you’re lucky).
  • Escaping abuse gives you the opportunity to follow your dreams without feeling guilty, oppressed, or forbidden from shining brightly.
  • Leaving abuse means you don’t have to worry about someone else’s mood when you get home. No one can shatter your good feelings on a whim.

There are a million other great things that you can experience when you’re out from under your abuser.

However… 

Escaping abuse means turning your life upside down, but the trouble of escaping abuse is well worth it if you know what to expect when you go.Escaping abuse is only the beginning of your journey (See Leaving Abuse: Ways to Feel Better Before You Go). Leaving is the first step in your process and it is a doozy! However, just leaving is no guarantee that your days of taking two steps forward and one step back are over.

The article I wrote for HealthyPlace.com is my attempt to warn you of emotional battles you may face after leaving your abusive partner. I wholeheartedly believe that leaving is your best option. However, if you are not aware of how hard it can be to stay gone, then the tough emotions you face once you’re free may scare you into returning.

Your therapist won’t tell you how hard it will be after you leave because they prefer that you escape the abuse (as do I). A therapist doesn’t want to say, “Okay now, let’s do this difficult escape thing so we can move on to equally tough emotional challenges…” No way. Besides, there is no way to be sure you will have any difficult emotional challenges after leaving at all. Why scare you into staying just because things may get tough in a new way?

I want you to escape abuse and use safety planning to get out of that toxic relationship! But I want you to be prepared for the emotional and mental challenges to come. Once you escape abuse, I want you to stay gone. You don’t need to go back when you know there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

New Post at HealthyPlace.com – Escaping abuse in your relationship can be the hardest thing you ever do. Or is it? What happens after you’re gone? Escaping Abuse: 5 Things Your Therapist Won’t Tell You (Part 1 of 2)

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I was able to get my abusive husband out by court order about six weeks ago. With every passing day though, I realize how it’s like a ticking time bomb. How can I just keep moving forward without him demanding to “come home.” The more time passes, the more he’s expecting me to “come to my senses” about accepting him back into his “rightful place” that is “our” home. His name is on the mortgage, after all. I just say, if he’s really antsy, then we can move forward with the official divorce. I ask him why he thinks he would want to come back to live with me, anyway. He hates everything I do and has told me so. What a living hell. He should be glad he”s gone, right?

    • You are his robot who takes care of certain things he can’t or doesn’t want to attend to. You’re like a piece of him (and not in a romantic way). He could be truly lost without you. But don’t worry, he’ll find a replacement soon enough. Well, even if he finds a replacement, he could harass you with the “come back to me, baby” stuff for years. Controllers do not like to “lose” their playthings. He’s especially “hurt” because his “toy” put him out instead of the other way around.

      Brace yourself. This could go on for quite a while. Make a plan on how to deal with his whining and don’t talk to him unless its about the kids (if you have any) or the divorce.

      • fivetigers says:

        Thank you for sharing this, it’s exactly what I am going through. Wow. So glad I found this site!

    • Anonymous says:

      You’re not alone

  2. I’m in the process of getting my abusive, alcohol dependent boyfriend out of my house. We’ve lived together for almost 8 years, but it’s my house. His kids are there every weekend, holiday, and then some because his kids’ mother doesn’t want to deal with them. They are a handful to say the least. He and his kids have literally taken over my house to where I feel like a stranger in my own home.

    He barely works or keeps a job because of his alcohol problem which puts the financial burden on me for him AND his kids! He just got fired from his last job. Whenever I try to assert my feelings I get shut down, accused of being selfish and not caring about his kids.

    I’ve asked him to leave several times but never followed through with a final deadline. I even filed a report for a DV episode, he went to jail, and I let him come back because I felt guilty for leaving him homeless.

    But I can’t take it anymore. I told him I was moving and selling the house to get him to finally leave. He’s moving back to his hometown which will separate him from his kids. I feel bad I had to lie, and he’s really laying a guilt trip on me for “breaking up his family”, making him leave his home with no notice, ruining his life, putting him behind on his child support, you name it. Am I wrong for doing this? I tried to do this the right way but his anger and threats would leave me helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what else to do…

    • Do what you have to do, Kay. He is manipulating you to feel guilty. If he wants to live near his kids he will figure out a way to do it. And, if I’m not mistaken, didn’t he and his ex break up their family when they divorced? You have nothing to do with it.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I know this all too well. How about the woman that knows it’s abuse but can’t force him to go? I live in constant state of fear, anxiety, walking on eggshells. I have a 3 & 8 year old, trying to maintain a good life. Dependended on him for years to be our provider & he into drugs & alcohol right when I had my son. First he abandoned us weekend after weekend. Eventually he got arrested, lost his job this summer, lost everything. After fighting with him about being an addict, not changing then the abuse & blame started. I’m literally in the middle of trying to get him to leave. It’s going to get ugly because he is insane.
    I lost friends because of him, I’m prepared to lose it all but as long as I have my kids I’ll be okay. I’m ready to fight this fight even though I have no money. If it wasn’t for my father I don’t know where I’d be. And if I could have returned to one of my parents’ houses like many women do-I would be done it years ago. They have small homes, there’s no extra bedrooms it’s not an option. I hope he drops dead he is going to TORTURE, because that’s what it is, every day for the rest of his life

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