I’m doing it again. I’m losing my mind in match-3 computer games that let me ignore unpleasant thoughts. I tried believing that playing those games relaxes my brain and that matching colored balls on Bubble Witch qualifies as a healthy, mindful activity. In reality, the games help me keep nothing on my mind. In thinking’s absence, I can avoid asking questions about the abuse in my past: How long will the abuse affect my life and relationships? How else will the abuse from my past relationship affect me? When will hidden memories stop rising to the top?
A couple of events over the past week or so brought up those questions again. One event made me understand that my definition of a yelling volume is a few decibels more than my fiancé’s definition (Triggered and Angry). In other words, Jarimie hears me yelling when I do not think I am yelling. I’m sure my definition of what it means to yell changed due to the hellaciously loud arguments I once had with my ex-husband, Will. The neighbors could hear our arguments clearly – and we lived in the country.
The second event proved that my loud noise in the night trigger continues to bother me. When Jarimie went downstairs in the middle of the other night, he scared some raccoons away by banging a kitchen chair on the floor. The noise woke me in a bit of a panic, but that didn’t surprise me. What surprised me was later, when Jarimie put his arms around me after I had gone back to sleep, I thought he was Will and trembled like a scared puppy. Not cool. I woke enough to get myself straight and answer Jarimie that I was okay, then went to sleep silently cursing, “Fucking Will… .”
I’m tired of experiencing the ways in which that sick relationship fucked me up (Am I Happy He Is Gone? Things I Was Not Anxious About Today).
I wish healing from domestic violence was not like unwrapping an old hurt layer by layer, but it is. I don’t know how long the healing will take, but I don’t want to heal from abuse for the rest of my life! However, it has been a while since the effects of abuse came a-haunting. The behaviors I learned and practiced for the years of my marriage do not cause as many problems in the here and now as they once did. And gratefully, it is much easier to work through the spells of anxiety resulting from my memories of the abuse than it was a couple of years ago. There is an improvement, and I have every reason to believe my healing will continue.
I just wish it would continue faster.