I feel that anyone could lethally wound me with a glance. I feel exposed to many elements of my mind; exposed and in danger, not exposed and protected. My fiance, Jarimie, wants to protect me when I feel vulnerable. But how can he protect me from myself? From my thoughts and fears? He cannot do it and I don’t want him to try. I want to protect myself. Dammit.
I don’t know if my unwillingness to further expose my soul to Jarimie happened because of my own thoughts or if I’ve experienced something that reminds me of the abuse in my past. Perhaps I was triggered. Or maybe my own thoughts are my enemy.
No, that cannot be. My thoughts, by nature, would bring comfort because they emit from my soul. I would not think myself vulnerable. I would think myself strong. So thinking myself strong must be the perfect response to this unknown trigger that made me feel small.
Identifying the trigger will be uncomfortable to say the least. I wish I could simply leave it unknown. But I have to figure it out so I can release these icky feelings and be vulnerable to the one who loves me instead of feeling vulnerable to the whole world.
‘You Hate Men!’ Is Diversion . . . and Retraumatization
Nothing on My Mind – Memories of Abuse
Triggered & Angry – Healing from Domestic Abuse