A few months after I’d left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, “So this is what I’ve been missing all these years!” and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.
Here it is, almost a year later, and I feel a familiar numbness settling into my joints, radiating outward. I bet you can see it, murky and olive green, if you look hard enough.
Well, in hindsight, I guess I had a good run.
Over the past year, several good things happened for me:
- Divine guidance brought me to a home I love.
- I recognized and left the employ of an abusive boss, and was fortunate to have a better paying job offered to me at the same time.
- I met Max who has helped me envision a life of love instead of a life of guarded alone-ness.
- I love my no-longer-new job and get to help teenage boys set goals for their lives.
- I was able to replace the car my oldest son, Marc, flipped into the river.
- I started back to school full time.
- Marc, who had refused to stay with me, came to live with me full-time.
- Eddie, my youngest son, stays with me exactly half of the time.
- I am a paid blogger on verbal abuse at HealthyPlace.com
It’s funny how life changes so slowly and so quickly at the same time. A year is not a lot of time, but it sure did seem to take forever to play out. But looking back, everything happened in its own perfect time.
Once again I find myself wishing that life would change, hoping it changes the way I want it to change, and doing so NOW. I want the instant gratification of:
- Writing, full-time, and being paid so well that I can leave my employer (I want to work for myself).
- Eddie coming to stay with me much more than half time.
- Marc’s baby-steps toward taking responsibility for his own life to come to fruition.
- Replacing the car I don’t appreciate anymore (which Marc slightly wrecked last week – fortunately still drivable).
- Having my bachelor’s degree in my hands right NOW without feeling the frustration of working for it.
- Working through Max and my co-codependent issues as if by magic instead of as part of a process.
- Seeing Marc’s girlfriend, who now lives with us, work through her issues and leave her controlling parent’s misdeeds behind.
- Divine guidance once again leading me to the state of peace this home brought me in the beginning.
I may be patient with my children and my boyfriend, but I am not patient with time.
Writing this, I just realized that I received almost everything I wished for at this time last year! Last May, if all of those wonderful things had happened instantly, I would have been completely happy (but maybe a bit unprepared).
Just above, I said that in hindsight I saw how everything happened in its own perfect time. Maybe my depression is a result of pushing too hard (wanting to control) and wishing I had it all today while experiencing none of the ups and downs it will take to achieve my goals. Is this what they mean by “enjoying the journey”? If I don’t allow myself to feel happiness when I take a baby-step, then what is the point of taking that step?
Suddenly the murky olive green oppression feels a bit more translucent and spring green. I feel better. This time next year, I’ll have more of what I want. Wait and see.
Oooh…just found the perfect song at youtube: