At the end of last year, before the separation, I wrote this:
Words that once had meaning make no sense. My brain is screaming, “LOSER!” while a piece of me patiently waits for a better time. Do I need to DO something to bring it about? ‘Cause all I want to do now is sleep and keep up the appearance of caring about the house.
I don’t (or wouldn’t) care if we ate off dirty plates. Wore dirty clothes. Neglected all our shit. I just don’t care.
But I WANT to care. I WANT to be productive and I want what I produce to replenish my and others’ needs – not deplete them.
Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Why am I so tired? WHY?
Well, that was last year. This year is different. I know there’s no “loser” in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.
There is no guilt in me today. I am no longer trying to be someone I’m not to keep the peace in my home. It never worked anyway.
This time last year I was labeled a liar, betrayer, selfish…and that hasn’t changed. He still tells me my priorities are fucked up, that I don’t care about my children.
The difference is this year I know I am not those things and that I never was.
It is better on this side. I am stronger. I don’t believe him anymore. He’s like a tiny voice that annoys me sometimes but cannot discourage me from following my heart or from being the wonderful woman I am and always have been and will become more of over my coming years.
I made the right decision. I left it all behind. Even the relationships with my children which I mistakenly thought were lost to me are returning. I was patient, and I am better off for it. I am proud of what I accomplished during this past year. I am looking forward to the new one with hope and peace and love. I am free.
Happy new year to all of you. Freedom isn’t free, but it sure as hell is worth the fight.
Pride Revisited
Leaving Hip-Hop Sounds A Lot Like Leaving Abuse
Searching for Who I Am