This post is an excerpt from My Abusive Marriage: …and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly.
Life goes on; some days are wonderful, some surprising, some plain sad. Sometimes I wish for the happy ending to my marriage that I’ll never have – “happy” in that we would die of old age after years of peacefully and joyfully rocking on our porch.
A couple of weeks ago, I visited my ex, at his request, to tell him our marriage was over. He felt he “deserved to hear it to my face” – and although I felt I had done that before, I went to his house and told him what he wanted to hear. The words I said seemed to have no effect. At least his face didn’t change. He showed no sign of emotion.
Later, I told my sister that it was like he didn’t hear me at all and that I wasn’t surprised, but wished there had been some sort of acknowledgment that he’d heard what I’d gone over there to tell him.
Last night at 10:30, he came to my house and knocked at my door unannounced. I asked if he was okay (he was) and what he needed. He didn’t need anything he said and we stood there awkwardly. Or at least, I was awkward. He’d come over for some reason that he never told me. After a minute partly filled with questions but mostly filled with silence, I said that I had company and now wasn’t a good time. “Oh, I didn’t expect you to have company,” he said and turned and left. Drove quickly out of the driveway, noisily down the road.
I don’t know why he came. I don’t know what he expected. If it was an attempt at reconciliation then he didn’t say any of the words that might have worked. He just showed up at my door at 10:30, unannounced.
A few minutes after he’d left, he sent a text saying that I needed to tell my lawyer about this date.
His text reminds me that whatever his intent had been, his anger still ruled the day. I think sometimes that he is ONLY angry. ONLY angry. I hurt for him because I don’t know if he has the ability to hurt for long enough to work past the pain. If I could wish him anything, it would be the ability to feel this pain completely, past the anger, past the denial, past the past… so he can move on to better days ahead.
Like I told him at his house a couple of weeks ago, I will always love him (how could I not?) – but I won’t live with him anymore.
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