I Wish He Could Move Past the Past

This post is an excerpt from My Abusive Marriage: …and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly.

Life goes on; some days are wonderful, some surprising, some plain sad. Sometimes I wish for the happy ending to my marriage that I’ll never have – “happy” in that we would die of old age after years of peacefully and joyfully rocking on our porch.

leaving abuseA couple of weeks ago, I visited my ex, at his request, to tell him our marriage was over. He felt he  “deserved to hear it to my face” – and although I felt I had done that before, I went to his house and told him what he wanted to hear. The words I said seemed to have no effect. At least his face didn’t change. He showed no sign of emotion.

Later, I told my sister that it was like he didn’t hear me at all and that I wasn’t surprised, but wished there had been some sort of acknowledgement that he’d heard what I’d gone over there to tell him.

Last night at 10:30, he came to my house and knocked at my door unannounced. I asked if he was okay (he was) and what he needed. He didn’t need anything he said and we stood there awkwardly. Or at least, I was awkward. He’d come over for some reason that he never told me. After a minute partly filled with questions but mostly filled with silence, I said that I had company and now wasn’t a good time. “Oh, I didn’t expect you to have company,” he said and turned and left. Drove quickly out of the driveway, noisily down the road.

If I could wish him anything, it would be to feel this pain completely, past anger, past denial, past the past... so he can move on to better days.I don’t know why he came. I don’t know what he expected. If it was an attempt at reconciliation then he didn’t say any of the words that might have worked. He just showed up at my door at 10:30, unannounced.

A few minutes after he’d left, he sent a text saying that I needed to tell my lawyer about this date.

His text reminds me that whatever his intent had been, his anger still ruled the day. I think sometimes that he is ONLY angry. ONLY angry. I hurt for him because I don’t know if he has the ability to hurt for long enough to work past the pain. If I could wish him anything, it would be the ability to feel this pain completely, past the anger, past the denial, past the past… so he can move on to better days ahead.

Like I told him at his house a couple of weeks ago, I will always love him (how could I not?) – but I won’t live with him anymore.

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.


  1. newdirection says:

    I so relate to your experience. There is a book, leaving him behind, that may help you break the attachment to him in a way that will help you heal. I havent read it yet, but I think every woman who feels she was forced to divorce may have a harder than typical time healing and moving on.

    He may have been trying to establish a new separation date for some legal reason. Check with your lawyer. Emotionally, I find that the same men who are emotionally abusive in marriage and unable to be loving husbands, are the same men that want to maybe save their marriages but have no idea how. The same lack of loving expression before, remains a lack of loving expression now.

  2. I recently left my husband because of emotional abuse. I relate. I feel like I am a smart woman with a beautiful 3 year old. His ability to control me is unbelievable. I wonder if he does it out of know how; or if I am weak enough to let it happen. I, like him, want a beautiful nuclear family, but his constant verbal attacks— the “I’m so sorry”…”no I’m not”…”its your fault”…confuses me…I grow then I back peddle, then I grow then I back peddle…We live separate. I have custody of our daughter…but still he controls me…what book or band-aid or medication could possibly help me. He abuses me in front of our daughter. Insults me my family, friends, job…everything…Who are we to be abused….it’s just like being punched…just not as obvious to the bystander.

  3. It’s sad, pathetic even, that his action demonstrates his continued emotional attachment, yet he just can’t bring himself [actually, humble himself] to acknowledge it.

  4. Help !!!!

  5. ckay, what do you need? How can we help:

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