For the first time in a very long time, I’m dealing with a variety of emotions, bad and good (if I have to judge an emotion as bad or good…). In the last year(s?) of my marriage, I dealt with anger, betrayal, fear, bitterness, probably even hate. But now there is a world of emotion to experience that I didn’t recognize or had forgotten about or refused to feel. Most likely a combination of all three.
I was talking to someone tonight and realized that EVERYTHING is different now. The way I experience the world thrills me beyond hope and reason. My microfiber chair is softer, my cat is crazier, food tastes better, music means more. Water is a need instead of a treat I may give myself if I pass a sink on the way to do something for someone else. Now I stop by the sink all the time and I love the sound of the water whooshing from the faucet, anticipating the non-taste of the cold, and quenching a deep thirst I hadn’t paid attention to before.
The emotions swirling around my heart and mind excite me. Some I think I “shouldn’t” feel, but I’m trying not to shut them off. Maybe letting them run their course, as I’ve let my anger and hate run their course, will ease the intensity and mystery. Pretending not or trying not to feel something I feel is not a good thing – I know that now. Being inundated with these new-found high-energy hopes (and doubts) is luxurious. Like a cold drink from the faucet “just because”. I need it. I need this time.
Married to Will, I spent my days deciphering HIS emotions, his thoughts, his wants in order to avoid upsetting the balance. I didn’t do it very well and beat myself up about that. But what I was missing was my own life, my own internal workings. Outward focused, I forgot what it felt like to truly FEEL something that came from ME.
Now I am trying very hard to stay inside my own body. I am refusing to guess what he meant by that, what she meant by that. I am trying to ask questions and accept the answer. I think I throw people off a little sometimes. They’re not used to it – being asked to clarify. But I think most appreciate it when they realize that I am truly curious, not judging or waiting to judge their response. I’ve been lucky to be around people who are open to me.
Life is a luxury that I haven’t lived in a very long time.
