I just stopped myself from doing something manipulative after seeing a youtube interview with Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go.
For almost a year and a half now, I’ve tried to prove to my husband that he is, in fact, a verbal abuser. If I could PROVE it to him, then he would WANT to change. And if I changed AND he changed, WE could have a happier marriage; regain our love, and drive toward success together.
Old habits die hard, I suppose.
So what did I think about doing that would be manipulative? I thought that I would send that interview to him in an email along with the message:
Will, I swear, this is the last time I’ll bring this up on a personal note ever again. We are divorcing. I know you do not want to reconcile, and I am okay with that. I accept it. In many ways, I’m happy looking toward my future. It’s been a painful adjustment not seeing you in it.
There is a video on youtube interviewing the author of “The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?”. She says that she’s never ever seen a verbally abusive WOMAN change, but men change all the time. You could check it out at PE Interview.
I want the best for you. I’ve always seen your potential, tried to encourage you in that way. I regret the time we’ve spent hurting and hope you overcome all of it and lead a happy successful life full of love and respect.
Our sons’ mama,
Kellie
Ahem. Let me shake off my embarrassment …
JUST THIS MORNING, in an email to a Facebook friend, I wrote about how INTENTIONS behind codependent manipulations may be good, but manipulation of any sort is bad. Manipulation, even for a hopefully mutually beneficial outcome, is wrong. Integrity within myself must come first before I can exhibit it publicly.
The email I wrote is TRUE. There isn’t one word in it that I don’t mean, that I don’t (on some level) think. It’s what I am NOT saying that is the lie, the manipulation.
Here is the email I would send to him if I were being completely honest with him and with myself:
Will, I cannot promise that I will NEVER bring up the abuse in our marriage ever again. I wish I could stop trying to make you understand, and that I could accept the fact that you do not want to see things from my perspective. Doing so causes me great pain – I so wish that you would honor my opinion and investigate this subject for yourself. If you did, then I think you would want to change.
I begrudgingly accept the fact that you do not want to reconcile with ME. It hurts to be rejected. You probably feel that my actions have been in rejection of YOU, but I only wished to reject the actions you took that hurt me. I wanted to force that part of you to disappear so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I saw a youtube interview this morning in which Patricia Evans speaks in very positive terms about the ability of verbally abusive men to change when they realize their words and actions are abusive to the one person in the world they think they love more than anyone else. I hope you will be receptive to her interview because she’s not “down on men” and blaming them for abusing women. In fact, she says that she’s never communicated with a verbally abusive WOMAN who changed her ways, but she’s heard from many sincere men who do just that.
I hope you hear THAT message and then think about the abusive phrases she mentions. I hope you’ll hear yourself – I hope you hear your words to me. I hope you understand.
And after understanding that all I’ve said in my effort to prove the abuse to you is true, I hope you will WANT to change. If not for me or because of me or to save our marriage, then for your sons. You still have time to set a better example for them of how to speak to the women they love. You have the potential to be a great man in every way. It is just this one area that holds you back. If tended to, you could reap greater love, respect and admiration from not only your future lovers, but from your children too.
If you do change, if you do choose to stop the behaviors that helped to drive us apart, I am still willing to be your wife. I still want you to change and come home to ME. But emotions are changing for me and I do not know how long I will remain receptive to the kind of love that unites a husband and wife. I am looking forward to my future, but it still hurts to know you’ll be missing from it. These feelings will pass as I grow and because no one can hold within the type of pain I feel forever. At some point, I have to let the pain, and you, go.
In some way, I hope that you knowing that I am seeing a future without you will spark you into action. You tend to pursue the opposite of what I want. A part of me thinks that when you know I am starting to want a future without you, then you will start to reconsider a future with me.
I want the best for you. I’ve always seen your potential, tried to encourage you in that way. I regret the time we’ve spent hurting and hope you overcome all of it and lead a happy successful life full of love and respect.
Yours truly, Kellie
But I won’t send the honest one either.
See Also: