Wake Up Call

It’s been a tough week. My older son was expelled from school for possession of marijuana (which he denies, of course). He’s out for 10 school days. After that, he can go to the “bad kids” school here in our county, or…

The “or” is the option. The question is which “or” to take. I’m not sending Marc to a school where he’ll more likely come into contact with the problems I hope he escapes. It’s counter-intuitive. I’m probably, excuse me, we are probably going to spring the tuition for a correctional type school this next semester.

In fact, that is what I “should” be looking into right now. But I’m not because I need to write, to express, to share the frustrations I’m feeling.

This is hard. This is going to be hard for some time.

I don’t like the idea of sending Marc away to school. But I know, in my heart, that whatever it is he is needing, I am not able to provide it to him. Being here, with me, is not helping my son. Maybe being away, where there is no one to save him but himself, will be better.

I sure am glad that no one ever told me “healing” would be easy because I’d be painfully angry at that person right now. I am also grateful to the two people who told me “anxiety is expected and normal” because repeating their words in my head is helping me to get through the “everything” attempting to engulf me right now.

Will and I talked about Marc yesterday. We took time away and talked. I told Will what was in my heart, then back pedalled a little. I said that if he (Will) preferred homeschooling, I would consider it.

But Will said that he relies on me to give him information about the boys. He said that we shouldn’t dismiss what my gut instict was too quickly.

Boy, was I surprised. Not about the first part, but the bit about honoring my instincts. When he said that, I immediately recognized it as “unusual” and also recognized the re-emergence of my old pattern – saying something then trying to temper it toward what I thought Will may prefer.

Right after that, I realized that I hadn’t asked Will what he thought about it. I assumed that when he was talking to Marc earlier, Will was expressing his opinion. But in reality, Marc was laying out some possibilities, and Will was discussing those possibilities. I assumed those were Will’s ideas, but perhaps they weren’t.

Well, there were two ideas that were definetely Will’s, but they were mentioned in context of Marc’s wishes. I had not asked my husband what he wanted to do. Instead, I fell back into the habit of gleaning clues, then coalescing them into what Will thinks.

Thank god Will honored my instincts in our conversation. If he hadn’t, I may not have realized what bad habit I was relying on to predict Will’s wishes.

Yesterday was a good day, as I said in the last post. It alerted me to the fact that I can and do fall back into patterns that lead to abuse. It was a wake up call.

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

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