Treating Him Like a Science Project–Or a Lab Rat

Observing, not participating, in my abuse is harder than it sounds. When I attempt to view him as a lab rat, he uses the same old tricks to frustrate me.Okay, I remember the advice. Science project (Observing But Not Participating In My Abuse). Calming down, not to go after it again though. I’m going to wait. And in the meantime, I’m going to write.

Maybe I’ll do a search for scientific method worksheets. 😉

Actually, in addition to finding a worksheet and perhaps some eye goggles, lab coat and a clip board, I could stop focusing on what made him angry. Instead, what made me angry, and why did I get mad?

I was not angry when he told me I was mistaken about him being frustrated when I told him about my way of thinking. I said, “Oh. Okay. When did you get frustrated? or maybe “what was it that made you frustrated?”

He replied that he was frustrated because until we see things in one way (his way?) we weren’t going to get anywhere.

That didn’t take long. That’s where I got angry. That is when my eyes welled up with tears.

I was frustrated because I felt he laid down the first “new” rule, which isn’t new at all but a restatement of all the old rules. And I’m angry because for all the “thinking” he says he’s been doing while deployed, it does not seem to point in a new direction. It still relies on me compromising not with him, but compromising myself.

I felt as if I’d somehow stepped into a pile of dogshit that had been lying on the living room floor for 10 months. A pile I’ve artfully side-stepped until he pulled me straight through it.

He continued with defining that a compromise leaves everyone involved 100% satisfied. I said that a compromise leaves everyone less than 100% satisfied but with more of what they do want than what they don’t want. He said, “No, that isn’t a compromise at all.”

So I asked what he was willing to compromise. He said that he wouldn’t engage in time-consuming projects and he would spend less time with friends. Cool, that helps, but what is he going to do beyond that? Perhaps he plans to use his newly-found free time to garner a compromise of me so he can be 100% happy.  There I go assuming again.

We “talked” a little about how my ideas don’t matter to him, which he pronounced “Wrong.” I told him what we were doing right then was the crux of the problem. I state something and he diminishes it.

When I said, “You diminish what I say,” he replied, “Now you’re telling me what I am doing. That’s not what I’m doing.”

Okay. Science project. My mistake – “You…” statement. Next time, I will remember to say, “When you tell me everything I say is wrong, I feel diminished.”

How much do you wanna bet he’ll say, “That’s your perception, not mine; that is not what I intend to do”?

Perhaps I’ll say, “Fine. I’m going to go do something else because I feel this conversation is going no where.”

See Also:

Personal Boundaries Are Important For Abuse Victims

How to Set Boundaries With Your Abuser in Mind

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

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